After listening to some recent discussions on vaccinations, I came to the conclusion that the old saying ‘you can’t treat a disease out of existence,’ is very true.  You have to eradicate diseases in other ways.

So, we need a truckload of new vaccines.  Here are a few:

CoMethAlc:  Upon ingestion of threshold levels of Cocaine, Methamphetamine or Alcohol, causes intense itching and profound honesty.  Individuals unable to lie either to family, friends, healthcare workers or law-enforcement.  ‘Yes, officer, I have been using cocaine!’

Modestitol:  Allows college students to feel a profound urge to maintain their clothing when drinking, and keeps them from making or sending inappopriate personal videos that are one day posted on MySpace.  Also may be used to protect individuals before company picnics or office parties.  Would render beads irrelevant at Mardi Gras.
DramaNO:  Gives patients a profound intolerance for dramatic, confabulated stories about life.  ‘Oh my G-d, we were driving down the road and you would not believe it, a squirrel jumped out and I swear to G-d, I almost passed out because it scared me, and I turned the wheel too fast and spun around, and the baby was almost thrown out of her seat, but not really, and good heavens I was so freaked out, honest to G-d, I think I passed out for a minute, and Jim in the passenger seat, he said he thought he got numb all over!’  After vaccine?  ‘Yeah, a squirrel jumped out and we spun around.  No big deal.  Stupid squirrel.’

FaMoFam:  Makes fathers and mothers feel profound urge to go to work, stay home otherwise, and raise their children.  After two doses of FaMoFam, patients entirely unable to roam around WalMart at 3am, or take baby out on hip in order to ‘hook-up’ with some new folks.

EntitleD2zero:  this vaccine makes individuals realize that NOTHING is free, and that NO ONE owes them anything.  Patients suddenly feel great shame at stealing services or goods, and realize that they could easily pay for insurance if they gave up their ridiculous, dysfunctional habits.

WHINOMre:  Given to medical students, residents and physicians, they never again whine about being doctors or having to actually get up and do their jobs.  ‘Another admission, why, ordinarily I’d work as hard as possible to avoid it, but I suddenly feel like doing what I was trained to do, and the thing for which I’m paid!’

RepTRU:  This vaccines causes government representatives, exectutives and judges to actually tell the truth.  Unfortunately, after administered, almost everyone in Washington will lose their jobs.  Future candidates will be treated prophylactically, though most will be unable to further campaign due to, ironically, inability to be elected when they actually say what they believe.

Any others?

Edwin

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