After listening to some recent discussions on vaccinations, I came to the conclusion that the old saying ‘you can’t treat a disease out of existence,’ is very true. You have to eradicate diseases in other ways.
So, we need a truckload of new vaccines. Here are a few:
CoMethAlc: Upon ingestion of threshold levels of Cocaine, Methamphetamine or Alcohol, causes intense itching and profound honesty. Individuals unable to lie either to family, friends, healthcare workers or law-enforcement. ‘Yes, officer, I have been using cocaine!’
Modestitol: Allows college students to feel a profound urge to maintain their clothing when drinking, and keeps them from making or sending inappopriate personal videos that are one day posted on MySpace. Also may be used to protect individuals before company picnics or office parties. Would render beads irrelevant at Mardi Gras.
DramaNO: Gives patients a profound intolerance for dramatic, confabulated stories about life. ‘Oh my G-d, we were driving down the road and you would not believe it, a squirrel jumped out and I swear to G-d, I almost passed out because it scared me, and I turned the wheel too fast and spun around, and the baby was almost thrown out of her seat, but not really, and good heavens I was so freaked out, honest to G-d, I think I passed out for a minute, and Jim in the passenger seat, he said he thought he got numb all over!’ After vaccine? ‘Yeah, a squirrel jumped out and we spun around. No big deal. Stupid squirrel.’
FaMoFam: Makes fathers and mothers feel profound urge to go to work, stay home otherwise, and raise their children. After two doses of FaMoFam, patients entirely unable to roam around WalMart at 3am, or take baby out on hip in order to ‘hook-up’ with some new folks.
EntitleD2zero: this vaccine makes individuals realize that NOTHING is free, and that NO ONE owes them anything. Patients suddenly feel great shame at stealing services or goods, and realize that they could easily pay for insurance if they gave up their ridiculous, dysfunctional habits.
WHINOMre: Given to medical students, residents and physicians, they never again whine about being doctors or having to actually get up and do their jobs. ‘Another admission, why, ordinarily I’d work as hard as possible to avoid it, but I suddenly feel like doing what I was trained to do, and the thing for which I’m paid!’
RepTRU: This vaccines causes government representatives, exectutives and judges to actually tell the truth. Unfortunately, after administered, almost everyone in Washington will lose their jobs. Future candidates will be treated prophylactically, though most will be unable to further campaign due to, ironically, inability to be elected when they actually say what they believe.
Diatol XL–causes diabetics to experience an intense urge to check blood glucose levels, eat green leafy veggies and walk bid and prn.
Tobacop’d–administered correctly, causes those with chronic lung disease to break into a sweat and turn purple at the mere hint of cigarette smoke in the immediate area.
gcs15
14 years ago
NoNarcCall: Causes all telephones, cell or otherwise, to administer non-lethal electric shock when patient attempts to call doctor’s office between 5:00 and 6:00 pm to request narcotics from on-call doctor.
gcs15
14 years ago
C-Pt: Upon arriving within 50 feet of operating suite, surgeon experiences irresistible impulse to walk directly to preop holding area, thus causing surgeon to see and talk to patient immediately before the case.
gcs15
14 years ago
Pro-Coag: Causes copious nosebleeding in physician when he or she attempts to prescribe Coumadin, Plavix, and aspirin simultaneously for the same patient. Nosebleeding stops only when physician discontinues one or more of the three. (Inoculated cardiologists may want to keep iron supplements handy.)
Excellent! Everyone, please keep ’em coming. All of your suggestions need to be immediately studied by pharmaceutical companies, and each of you should receive large bonuses!
I’ll post a compilation in a few days.
Edwin
Janice Claytor
14 years ago
Very interesting to say the least. It is thought provoking. Good article.
Lisa Reid Cobb
14 years ago
Love IT!!!!!
mamadoc
14 years ago
How about GetaGrip, for those who have too much time on their hands and feel compelled to waste mine? Should be a great adjunctive to DramaNO, and where can I order a large supply?
Roshan Mathew
14 years ago
How about Moveitall? For malignantly obese 20 year olds who are already riding the electric cart at Walmart and keep running into the heels of the 80 year old in the return line stammering ” I am ah sorry cause, like the brakes don’t work on this piece of Cr–p”. (not making this up)
Never mind she is returning a case of Pringles and finishing off the nice old man that WWII could not. Maybe Walmart with get anitlock high capacity brakes on their carts now.
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Bravo!
Diatol XL–causes diabetics to experience an intense urge to check blood glucose levels, eat green leafy veggies and walk bid and prn.
Tobacop’d–administered correctly, causes those with chronic lung disease to break into a sweat and turn purple at the mere hint of cigarette smoke in the immediate area.
NoNarcCall: Causes all telephones, cell or otherwise, to administer non-lethal electric shock when patient attempts to call doctor’s office between 5:00 and 6:00 pm to request narcotics from on-call doctor.
C-Pt: Upon arriving within 50 feet of operating suite, surgeon experiences irresistible impulse to walk directly to preop holding area, thus causing surgeon to see and talk to patient immediately before the case.
Pro-Coag: Causes copious nosebleeding in physician when he or she attempts to prescribe Coumadin, Plavix, and aspirin simultaneously for the same patient. Nosebleeding stops only when physician discontinues one or more of the three. (Inoculated cardiologists may want to keep iron supplements handy.)
Excellent! Everyone, please keep ’em coming. All of your suggestions need to be immediately studied by pharmaceutical companies, and each of you should receive large bonuses!
I’ll post a compilation in a few days.
Edwin
Very interesting to say the least. It is thought provoking. Good article.
Love IT!!!!!
How about GetaGrip, for those who have too much time on their hands and feel compelled to waste mine? Should be a great adjunctive to DramaNO, and where can I order a large supply?
How about Moveitall? For malignantly obese 20 year olds who are already riding the electric cart at Walmart and keep running into the heels of the 80 year old in the return line stammering ” I am ah sorry cause, like the brakes don’t work on this piece of Cr–p”. (not making this up)
Never mind she is returning a case of Pringles and finishing off the nice old man that WWII could not. Maybe Walmart with get anitlock high capacity brakes on their carts now.
Marlboroughex: Makes people start coughing uncontrollably when they even look at a packet of cigarillos.
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Seems like this could be used to help an organization (currently using Windows) give Linux on the desktop a try for a week or so (without dual booting, reformatting, etc)? In this case, would you just configure the booted image to have a home directory on a shared server so wouldn’t need to mail client settings and printers every day?
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