I have a lot of energy. I have been going and going and going for so long. And today, it hit me.
I’m tired.
I began this pursuit of medicine in 1983 when I decided to be a zoology major. I worked and went to medical school. And I went to medical school and worked. Then I worked and went to three years of emergency medicine residency and worked hard for those three years.
I took a job and worked all sorts of days, nights, weekdays, weekends and holidays in one group for 20 years. Then I left that seven years ago and started doing locums. And I’m still at it, working in various places in an attempt to have some degree of freedom and control over my schedule. I love what I do. But sometimes I feel like I’m wearing thin. This specialty, this weird world of emergency medicine isn’t for the faint of heart. Maybe it isn’t for those getting older. Or maybe, it is. I feel better and more capable of enduring than ever. Just tired.
In addition, I have been writing since 1994. Newspaper columns and magazine columns. Books, blog posts and social media posts. And now, untold hundreds of thousands of words later, I’m tired. I love writing. I love words and connecting with readers. But now and then I just feel like I’ve run out of anything to say. Rather, anything that remains relevant today in a world when opinions and words, videos and sound bites fly like so many snowflakes in a white-out.
And this morning, in a hotel room, I woke up at about 4 am and felt tired. I slept poorly and I’m at work. And I’m tired. I’m writing to keep my brain alert, to process, to try to get a handle on the fatigue and the chaos. And to process this place I am in my life.
I always assumed I would hate the 9-5 world. But now and then, between overdose and chest pain, cardiac arrest and social disaster, I try to imagine a life without unexpected encounters, unknown dangers, un-forseen complications. A life of regularly scheduled sleep, a life of weekends, nights and holidays at home. Hmm.
I feel like I’m stronger than the average bear. But now and then, I feel like I just need to hibernate for a bit and wake up in the Spring.
And I know, in my heart of hearts, that I’m not alone.
You are definitely not alone! When I got to the part about imagining that different life…without the unexpected encounters and with the scheduled sleep and weekends…I was surprised to find tears in my eyes and a catch in my throat. Like you, I never really saw myself in the 9-5 world. I still love what I do, too. But there’s a price that’s paid. And it does, indeed, make one very tired at times.
Totally relate Edwin. Medical school turns us into machines. Our care, conscientiousness and integrity drive us to tolerate the highest levels of endurance. As a GP practicing for 26 years I was ‘gifted’ with breast cancer this year and needed to step off the treadmill for the first time ever. Being a wife, mother of three, homemaker, friend, entertainer, immigrant and part time caring doctor to hundreds of patients, I had barely time to relax, reflect, appreciate life, indulge in activities that I see others doing for themselves. So it’s been a magical year in lockdown and I question rushing… Read more »
Karen
4 years ago
Well said. And, good for you for recognizing and saying this out loud! (and what an amazing career thus far!) I think so many shift workers and caregivers have this realization but brush it aside. I just resigned from my Saturday E.D. shifts last month after praying and agonizing all summer over giving up that part of my nursing career. It’s ok. Chapters in our life are there for a reason just like the seasons that come and go. When it’s time to change, the right door will open -or close. Ecclesiastes is a good read on this subject -all… Read more »
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You are definitely not alone! When I got to the part about imagining that different life…without the unexpected encounters and with the scheduled sleep and weekends…I was surprised to find tears in my eyes and a catch in my throat. Like you, I never really saw myself in the 9-5 world. I still love what I do, too. But there’s a price that’s paid. And it does, indeed, make one very tired at times.
Totally relate Edwin. Medical school turns us into machines. Our care, conscientiousness and integrity drive us to tolerate the highest levels of endurance. As a GP practicing for 26 years I was ‘gifted’ with breast cancer this year and needed to step off the treadmill for the first time ever. Being a wife, mother of three, homemaker, friend, entertainer, immigrant and part time caring doctor to hundreds of patients, I had barely time to relax, reflect, appreciate life, indulge in activities that I see others doing for themselves. So it’s been a magical year in lockdown and I question rushing… Read more »
Well said. And, good for you for recognizing and saying this out loud! (and what an amazing career thus far!) I think so many shift workers and caregivers have this realization but brush it aside. I just resigned from my Saturday E.D. shifts last month after praying and agonizing all summer over giving up that part of my nursing career. It’s ok. Chapters in our life are there for a reason just like the seasons that come and go. When it’s time to change, the right door will open -or close. Ecclesiastes is a good read on this subject -all… Read more »