I tried to order an echocardiogram yesterday at work.  But it turns out, they only do them on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  Fair enough.  It’s not an unknown phenomenon.  Some places, surgeons are only available on Tuesdays and Thursdays, cardiologists on the second Wednesday of months with an R.  After hours, most hospitals now struggle to have ultrasound at all, unless of course one has a first-born child to offer up.  And radiologists stop reading plain films after 5pm.  There are certain times, and days, when mental health comes to the hospital.  Usually in the month of OctAprember, from 30 o’clock till 32’o clock.

So I’ve decided to set up my own little list of what I will, and won’t, do.

As of now:

Dr. Leap will not take care of anyone with back pain on days that end in Y.

Dr. Leap will not only see abdominal pain on Mondays and Fridays, between the hours of 7 and 9 am.

Dr. Leap will not insert central lines except on Wednesday and will only intubate intoxicated persons on Sunday.

Dr. Leap will not see anyone with weakness for the remainder of the 2014 Holiday season.

Dr. Leap will not ‘work up’ any patient for the hospitalist, or ‘order a few more tests,’ or answer ‘what am I supposed to do,’ except on Tuesdays between 6 and 8 pm, and Saturday morning between 4 and 9 am.

Dr. Leap is will no longer fill out work excuses, or write for narcotics, until his wife’s next birthday, which is February 29.

I don’t like the rules, I just make them, OK?

Do you have any of your own?

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