This is my column in yesterday’s Greenville News. A direct link requires a subscription, so I reprinted it here.
Thanks!
Being ‘hung up’ about sex isn’t so horrible
One of the chief objections to Christianity is that it meddles in people’s personal lives. This is a curious objection, in some ways. Christianity has fairly little to say about food or drink, except to advocate moderation. And very little to say about clothing, except that modesty is appropriate. It’s silent on computers and automobiles. And it generally advocates discipline couched in love where children are concerned.
What its detractors mean often comes down to this: ‘Christianity has something to say about sex, and we don’t like it one bit.’ Typically, one hears that Christians are prudes and spoiled-sports, ranging across the earth, shutting down sexual pleasure wherever we locate it. Of course, higher birth rates among evangelical Protestants and Catholics seem to suggest either a staggering number of virgin births, or a tendency to, well, you know.
If we’re hung up on sex as Christians, we’re certainly no more so than a world filled with sexual images and activities. However, I think the world at large is less ‘hung-up’ than heedless and selfish when it comes to the thing it seems to value above all else.
I could delve into STD’s and their terrible effects. But I think on some level few people really care. It’s like your parents telling you about terrible car crash injuries when you drive. ‘Sure, but not me!’
However, there’s more than STD’s to show us why we should be more careful in our valuation of sex. I read an article online recently. It was an advice column for young singles. A woman wrote about her concern that a young man whom she had met (and promptly taken to bed), had not called her for several days after their initial meeting . The columnist was aghast that she was so uptight. As if, after sleeping together, she shouldn’t expect anything at all in terms of connection. Sex as a kind of post-modern handshake.
Not surprising. The idea that one can simply have a casual, sexual relationship with no emotional connection or support is a common theme in movies and television. Actress Mila Kunis, of the movie ‘Friends with Benefits,’ was asked if she thought such a relationship was possible. Her answer was insightful: ‘It’s like communism; good in theory, but in execution it fails.’
Despite the ‘theory’ society clings to, there has been fascinating research on the emotional and chemical connections that result from sex. Still, our society continues to treat it as a thing with no repercussion and precious little value.
I agree that the Church down the ages has sometimes done a poor job teaching about sex and sexuality. Many young people were taught nothing at all about sex, except that it was wicked. That was to their detriment and the shame of their parents and clergy. Odd teaching, since the Bible is full of sex, and not just warnings about it.
But far worse, the world at large was, and is, mindless about sex. If the church is too careful, it is only because sex is too important to be handled poorly. Sex not only produces us, as it were. It connects us. It not only connects us, it chemically addicts us to one another for good reasons.
Sex is a thing of enormous power. It has brought down kingdoms (and governorships, more close to home). It has united powerful families. Sex has caused murders and assassinations, sealed marriages and ended them. It has led to children and to the murder of children through abortion. It has given us literature and sculpture, both elevated and base. It has given us beautiful love stories and terrible song lyrics.
But it is no trifle. If the Church has been ‘hung up,’ the world has been reckless and irresponsible The Church has at least tried to teach us that sex has consequences more grave and wonderful than the physical, while the world has tried to teach us that it is a worthless thing, devalued and diminished once the conquest and pleasure have passed.
Some may call this right-wing, conservative clap-trap. But an epidemic of depression and anxiety in young men and women testify to the pain of connections made and broken. The markers of the dead, lost to HIV, also disagree. And generations of young, poor children with no fathers and scarcely any mothers all testify to the misuse and abuse of one of the most wonderful, and powerful, forces in the world.
You have stated in the best of terms and language my feelings about sex after 6 decades of wandering within the Catholic church.
May the grace of our creator whichever form they take shine upon you and that which you write.
May those who might disagree with you open their ears and hear that there are many voices which scream their views in the cacophony of many lives.
Harry
11 years ago
The term is “spoilsports”, not “spoiled-sports”. And I think the word you actually want there is “Puritans”.
Pete E
11 years ago
Harry, “Puritans” were quite enthusiastic about sex…within marriage. If you are looking for a word to disparage sex in any circumstance, try “feminist”.
chemman
11 years ago
Sorry Harry, while the Puritans certainly can be called on any number of things sex isn’t one of them. The term you are looking for is Victorians.
dicentra
11 years ago
Look up the word “oxytocin” to see why sex is not a plaything, especially not for women.
The Church errs in its “one size fits all” approach. As with any large organization it targets it rules to the center of the target population. Those on the distribution extremes will forever be sinners. No matter how successful their adaptation to their personal needs.
Aaron L.
11 years ago
Sorry, Simon. The Catholic Church does not err in its one size fits all approach. The fact is, we are meant to have one partner (of the opposite gender) for life. That partnership should be blessed by the church of your denomination. The temptations for other sexual partnerings, are wrong. They are bad for you no matter what. Any good thing can be abused and mistreated and become harmful. Even water, if you drink enough of it, will kill. Even food, if too much is eaten, will make you feel bad, and lead to bad health consequences. No one makes… Read more »
myth buster
11 years ago
Contrary to what you may think about them, the Puritans regarded sex as non-negotiable within marriage. They once excommunicated a man for NOT having sex with his wife.
JR
11 years ago
Yeah, the Bible doesn’t have a lot of hang-ups about sex. I don’t get where you all get the idea that it sanctions ONE wife. Or even sex only within marriage. There is a rather large loophole for raping virgins, see Numbers 31: 31:15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? 31:16 Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD. 31:17 Now therefore kill every male among the little… Read more »
Blake R.L. Coryn
11 years ago
Of course, if you deal with all the loudmouths in our decadent culture at all, you soon come to realize that being “hung up” on sex just means you’re not going for it every time it’s offered. The “open-minded” anything-goes free sex crowd sure are narrow-minded toward those of us who advocate the virtue of abstinence. As to the church’s reputation over the centuries, I’d say the church’s problem isn’t that it’s been so gung-ho in promoting abstinence as that it’s been so apathetic in promoting marriage. It’s only teaching half of the sexual virtues: abstinence is indeed a virtue,… Read more »
An outstanding point! We act, even in the church, as if marriage is a terrible danger; only less dangerous than fornication for the young! We should be, as you say, encouraging our young people to find mates earlier, and at the same time equipping them with the attitudes, skills and theology necessary to make marriage work. Oh, and we must teach them to abandon that old ‘only one person in the world is right for me’ mantra. While not everyone is right, quite a few are. Well said!
rrr
11 years ago
M. Simon is a self-righteous, preening fool. Any time on his blog makes it clear he’s bitter and angry because some people actually have the nerve to think differently than he does. The unbelievable thing is that his blog partner actually still puts up with him.
[…] Great article on the benefits of being “hung up” about sex. via Instapundit […]
Tennwriter
11 years ago
Blake R.L. Coryn,
Very, very good. I’ve been on something of the same kick for the same reasons.
Its reasonable to ask for abstinence for a few years, which is what we used to do, and then marriage. Now we ask for abstinence for decades.
Or there is the world’s solution–just sleep around with anyone mildly attractive.
It does require some change of society when you have the much younger marrying.
Perhaps Instapundits ‘higher ed bubble’ bursting will help solve this issue of how to change society so that this works.
Blake R.L. Coryn
11 years ago
As ever, here comes a pervert sneering with hatred to wrench Bible passages out of context in order to smear Judeo-Christianity and make an argument from ignorance. The Old Testament did indeed provide for taking women as spoils of war, but it’s hardly “the loophole for raping virgins” he makes it out to be. Specifically, see Deuteronomy 21:10-14: 10 When you go to war against your enemies and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, 11 if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her… Read more »
Blake R.L. Coryn
11 years ago
Tennwriter,
I agree. It’s too bad the bursting of that bubble, whenever it comes, will be too late for my generation.
Anne O'Namus
11 years ago
When I was being brought up, what was said and what was practiced were totally different. I was a fool. I believed what my elders, those who I looked up to for moral guidance, taught me. I believed that when the marriage celebrant said “you may now kiss the bride”, that was permission to do it, and that normal people didn’t engage in that outside marriage. Sexual activity before then was forbidden. Many engaged in it of course, just as many shoplifted, or swore, or vandalised, but it wasn’t considered any more “socially acceptable” than robbing a bank. What gets… Read more »
Anne, I know a woman who was pregnant as a young teen, and her step-father (her pastor) forced her to stand in front of the congregation whenever there were visitors, and apologize for her sin. While I do not believe that treatment is common, I believe that it is 1) non-scriptural and 2) reprehensible. There is a wide gulf between identifying sin and even condemning sin, and the act of embracing and loving the sinner. I believe that Jesus perfectly did both. He did not say to any sinner, ‘it’s OK, everyone does it,’ but He also ate with them,… Read more »
Blake R.L. Coryn
11 years ago
Engage much in the “I am the world” fallacy, Anne? Just because your family didn’t practice what it preached doesn’t mean what they preached was “claptrap” or that everyone who preaches it is a hypocrite. Your projection of your own family’s failings onto others to smear Christianity is despicable. The fundamental dishonesty of all the sexual libertines I’ve ever encountered is how they’re constantly engaging in a bandwagon approach and the naturalistic fallacy by insisting that everyone must be fooling around and anyone who isn’t doing so openly must be doing so secretly, so anyone who disagrees that any sexual… Read more »
Tom Foolery
11 years ago
From a secular perspective, this reads a lot like a really extended “I am rubber, you are glue” argument. I’m not sure how many secular people you actually know, but living in a large, liberal, urban area I can tell you that lots of secular people approach sex with a great deal of caution, not because of their fear of god’s judgement, but for a lot of the reasons you described — desire for a genuine connection, fear of STDs, etc. The reason people think conservative Christians are hung up about sex is not that you have opinions about sex,… Read more »
Tom, back at you. I live in a non-urban, conservative Christian area and I know lots of people concerned about HIV, about the well-being of homosexuals and willing to give their children the HPV vaccine;myself included, even though I’m a Southern Baptist. Furthermore, one of my best friends in the world is a brilliant atheist. I also think it’s odd that you think I want others to have my opinion; don’t you want me to have yours? It’s like judging someone for judging! Look, to the extent that the church tries to impose its will on others with cruelty and… Read more »
Tom Foolery
11 years ago
A couple of things: -I don’t want you to have my opinion. I merely point out — and you seem to agree — that many of your co-religionists want to impose their beliefs on others through force of law, and that’s wrong. That’s the primary source of the belief that Christians have “hang-ups” about sex. You are welcome to view sex as a holy thing — whatever “holy” means to you. But some people are going to see it differently. The difference is that at the bedrock of – I find it biologically unlikely, to say nothing of other unlikelihoods,… Read more »
Tom Foolery
11 years ago
Disregard the last sentence of the first point, it was a tangent I didn’t end up completing because it sounded really unproductive…
I agree; we are remarkably unlikely to have children together. However, when I speak of ‘our children,’ I mean the future of our nation and world. Surely this is no less hyperbole than those who want to protect the environment for ‘our future generations,’ of which you and I share none. Or those who want to ensure an education for ‘our children’ as a nation. As far as co-religionists, some may want to impose, by law their beliefs. Law is a moral activity; in saying theft is wrong, we impose a morality, whatever we consider its source. Secularists also want… Read more »
Maureen
11 years ago
Re: monogamy, the first mention of marriage as instituted by God clearly called for monogamy — and indeed, for regarding said relationship as a sort of living unified organism. This was not a secret within Judaism, and all other marriage laws are regarded as a sort of add-on kludge.
Jesus of Nazareth pointed out the original law fairly strongly. Seeing as how his followers regarded him as being God Himself, they sorta took this as a hint. Anything else is fairly clearly to be regarded as an add-on kludge.
It was after I saw Star Wars Episode III opening night. I took a leak along side everyone else, but was kind of distracted, so when I went to wash my hands I just walked up to a running sink and stuck my hands in and rinsed really quick……moments later it registered why the water was running, some other dude was already standing there washing his hands. I cleaned mine over his and he just watched.I stopped turned around and just said Why the fuck did I just do that? I’m really sorry about that He just nodded and went… Read more »
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These pseudo-liberals of our society must now realize that the world does not revolve around them. It was necessary to deliver justice to bring down their fever. These women decided their fate on their free will. Rest is all myths. So stop moaning and take the back alley.
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You have stated in the best of terms and language my feelings about sex after 6 decades of wandering within the Catholic church.
May the grace of our creator whichever form they take shine upon you and that which you write.
May those who might disagree with you open their ears and hear that there are many voices which scream their views in the cacophony of many lives.
The term is “spoilsports”, not “spoiled-sports”. And I think the word you actually want there is “Puritans”.
Harry, “Puritans” were quite enthusiastic about sex…within marriage. If you are looking for a word to disparage sex in any circumstance, try “feminist”.
Sorry Harry, while the Puritans certainly can be called on any number of things sex isn’t one of them. The term you are looking for is Victorians.
Look up the word “oxytocin” to see why sex is not a plaything, especially not for women.
A nice, well-balanced treatment of what is surely the most sensitive of all the subjects addressed by the Church. Thank you.
Being Christian (LCMS), I’ve heard this supposed “the Christian church is anti-sex” spiel from non-Christian friends and acquaintances before.
My reading of Scripture is that, as long as you’re married and monogamous, and everything is agreeable to both partners, then, have fun.
Mrs C and I sure do.
And, likewise, I have yet to see any historical examples of planetary devasatation arising from “sexual hang-ups”.
I think you mean: And it generally advocates *love* couched in discipline where children are concerned.
–couch v. couched, couch·ing, couch·es. –tr. To word in a certain manner; phrase: couched their protests in diplomatic language.
The Church errs in its “one size fits all” approach. As with any large organization it targets it rules to the center of the target population. Those on the distribution extremes will forever be sinners. No matter how successful their adaptation to their personal needs.
Sorry, Simon. The Catholic Church does not err in its one size fits all approach. The fact is, we are meant to have one partner (of the opposite gender) for life. That partnership should be blessed by the church of your denomination. The temptations for other sexual partnerings, are wrong. They are bad for you no matter what. Any good thing can be abused and mistreated and become harmful. Even water, if you drink enough of it, will kill. Even food, if too much is eaten, will make you feel bad, and lead to bad health consequences. No one makes… Read more »
Contrary to what you may think about them, the Puritans regarded sex as non-negotiable within marriage. They once excommunicated a man for NOT having sex with his wife.
Yeah, the Bible doesn’t have a lot of hang-ups about sex. I don’t get where you all get the idea that it sanctions ONE wife. Or even sex only within marriage. There is a rather large loophole for raping virgins, see Numbers 31: 31:15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? 31:16 Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD. 31:17 Now therefore kill every male among the little… Read more »
Of course, if you deal with all the loudmouths in our decadent culture at all, you soon come to realize that being “hung up” on sex just means you’re not going for it every time it’s offered. The “open-minded” anything-goes free sex crowd sure are narrow-minded toward those of us who advocate the virtue of abstinence. As to the church’s reputation over the centuries, I’d say the church’s problem isn’t that it’s been so gung-ho in promoting abstinence as that it’s been so apathetic in promoting marriage. It’s only teaching half of the sexual virtues: abstinence is indeed a virtue,… Read more »
An outstanding point! We act, even in the church, as if marriage is a terrible danger; only less dangerous than fornication for the young! We should be, as you say, encouraging our young people to find mates earlier, and at the same time equipping them with the attitudes, skills and theology necessary to make marriage work. Oh, and we must teach them to abandon that old ‘only one person in the world is right for me’ mantra. While not everyone is right, quite a few are. Well said!
M. Simon is a self-righteous, preening fool. Any time on his blog makes it clear he’s bitter and angry because some people actually have the nerve to think differently than he does. The unbelievable thing is that his blog partner actually still puts up with him.
[…] Great article on the benefits of being “hung up” about sex. via Instapundit […]
Blake R.L. Coryn,
Very, very good. I’ve been on something of the same kick for the same reasons.
Its reasonable to ask for abstinence for a few years, which is what we used to do, and then marriage. Now we ask for abstinence for decades.
Or there is the world’s solution–just sleep around with anyone mildly attractive.
It does require some change of society when you have the much younger marrying.
Perhaps Instapundits ‘higher ed bubble’ bursting will help solve this issue of how to change society so that this works.
As ever, here comes a pervert sneering with hatred to wrench Bible passages out of context in order to smear Judeo-Christianity and make an argument from ignorance. The Old Testament did indeed provide for taking women as spoils of war, but it’s hardly “the loophole for raping virgins” he makes it out to be. Specifically, see Deuteronomy 21:10-14: 10 When you go to war against your enemies and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, 11 if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her… Read more »
Tennwriter,
I agree. It’s too bad the bursting of that bubble, whenever it comes, will be too late for my generation.
When I was being brought up, what was said and what was practiced were totally different. I was a fool. I believed what my elders, those who I looked up to for moral guidance, taught me. I believed that when the marriage celebrant said “you may now kiss the bride”, that was permission to do it, and that normal people didn’t engage in that outside marriage. Sexual activity before then was forbidden. Many engaged in it of course, just as many shoplifted, or swore, or vandalised, but it wasn’t considered any more “socially acceptable” than robbing a bank. What gets… Read more »
Anne, I know a woman who was pregnant as a young teen, and her step-father (her pastor) forced her to stand in front of the congregation whenever there were visitors, and apologize for her sin. While I do not believe that treatment is common, I believe that it is 1) non-scriptural and 2) reprehensible. There is a wide gulf between identifying sin and even condemning sin, and the act of embracing and loving the sinner. I believe that Jesus perfectly did both. He did not say to any sinner, ‘it’s OK, everyone does it,’ but He also ate with them,… Read more »
Engage much in the “I am the world” fallacy, Anne? Just because your family didn’t practice what it preached doesn’t mean what they preached was “claptrap” or that everyone who preaches it is a hypocrite. Your projection of your own family’s failings onto others to smear Christianity is despicable. The fundamental dishonesty of all the sexual libertines I’ve ever encountered is how they’re constantly engaging in a bandwagon approach and the naturalistic fallacy by insisting that everyone must be fooling around and anyone who isn’t doing so openly must be doing so secretly, so anyone who disagrees that any sexual… Read more »
From a secular perspective, this reads a lot like a really extended “I am rubber, you are glue” argument. I’m not sure how many secular people you actually know, but living in a large, liberal, urban area I can tell you that lots of secular people approach sex with a great deal of caution, not because of their fear of god’s judgement, but for a lot of the reasons you described — desire for a genuine connection, fear of STDs, etc. The reason people think conservative Christians are hung up about sex is not that you have opinions about sex,… Read more »
Tom, back at you. I live in a non-urban, conservative Christian area and I know lots of people concerned about HIV, about the well-being of homosexuals and willing to give their children the HPV vaccine;myself included, even though I’m a Southern Baptist. Furthermore, one of my best friends in the world is a brilliant atheist. I also think it’s odd that you think I want others to have my opinion; don’t you want me to have yours? It’s like judging someone for judging! Look, to the extent that the church tries to impose its will on others with cruelty and… Read more »
A couple of things: -I don’t want you to have my opinion. I merely point out — and you seem to agree — that many of your co-religionists want to impose their beliefs on others through force of law, and that’s wrong. That’s the primary source of the belief that Christians have “hang-ups” about sex. You are welcome to view sex as a holy thing — whatever “holy” means to you. But some people are going to see it differently. The difference is that at the bedrock of – I find it biologically unlikely, to say nothing of other unlikelihoods,… Read more »
Disregard the last sentence of the first point, it was a tangent I didn’t end up completing because it sounded really unproductive…
I agree; we are remarkably unlikely to have children together. However, when I speak of ‘our children,’ I mean the future of our nation and world. Surely this is no less hyperbole than those who want to protect the environment for ‘our future generations,’ of which you and I share none. Or those who want to ensure an education for ‘our children’ as a nation. As far as co-religionists, some may want to impose, by law their beliefs. Law is a moral activity; in saying theft is wrong, we impose a morality, whatever we consider its source. Secularists also want… Read more »
Re: monogamy, the first mention of marriage as instituted by God clearly called for monogamy — and indeed, for regarding said relationship as a sort of living unified organism. This was not a secret within Judaism, and all other marriage laws are regarded as a sort of add-on kludge.
Jesus of Nazareth pointed out the original law fairly strongly. Seeing as how his followers regarded him as being God Himself, they sorta took this as a hint. Anything else is fairly clearly to be regarded as an add-on kludge.
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It was after I saw Star Wars Episode III opening night. I took a leak along side everyone else, but was kind of distracted, so when I went to wash my hands I just walked up to a running sink and stuck my hands in and rinsed really quick……moments later it registered why the water was running, some other dude was already standing there washing his hands. I cleaned mine over his and he just watched.I stopped turned around and just said Why the fuck did I just do that? I’m really sorry about that He just nodded and went… Read more »
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These pseudo-liberals of our society must now realize that the world does not revolve around them. It was necessary to deliver justice to bring down their fever. These women decided their fate on their free will. Rest is all myths. So stop moaning and take the back alley.
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I can’t watch them clear just can listen to them. Is there anything I can do?
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