On a scale of 0-10, please rate your need for a work excuse.Zero means you don’t need one and plan to go on to work and contribute to your own well-being and that of your family and the republic at large.Ten means you absolutely, positively, no way, no how can go to work.
Some examples for patients to review:
0:‘I slept all night, woke up, had a nice breakfast, kissed my family and I feel good!Can’t wait to get to work.
1:‘I slept OK, but stepped on the cat in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep for an hour after that.I feel pretty good but I’d love a nap.Coffee made me feel better and I’ll be fine till tonight.’
2:‘The baby cried all night and so did the cat, which is in heat.Turns out I’m allergic to either the cat or the baby (or have a cold) and I have had runny nose and sneezing all night.I can’t taste breakfast.I have a performance review at work and I need to be there so I’ll make it; but I kind of wish I could stay home.
3:‘The baby vomited several times on both of us; and my wife started vomiting too, and that made me vomit on the cat.And the cat vomited.But I think I’m fine now. I ate a little and put the cat out.Slept about two hours all told.I could stay home.But I can power through.’
4:‘While the baby was asleep the cat got into some catnip and attacked my foot in my sleep. I thought it was an intruder.I hit the cat with a lamp and I think I broke my toe.I can’t find the cat; but I think it’s growling under the bed.I walk with a limp and my foot is swollen and tender.If you say it’s not broken, then I’m fine.’
5:‘The kids are with the grandparents and my wife and I celebrated our anniversary.Maybe too much.My head hurts and I think I fell asleep on the cat, which bit me on the arm. My arm is red and swollen and my mouth is very dry like cotton, or cat hair.I can’t move my fingers very well.Tylenol and Motrin didn’t help the hang….I mean headache.I really don’t want to work today.But I can.’
6:‘I was here yesterday with the cat bite; and yeah, I took the antibiotics but it’s kind of draining pus and I have a fever.I don’t feel so good.My wife took the kids to the vet and the cat to the pediatrician or something like that.I work at a desk and I have a lot of bills, so if you can get me feeling better I’ll try to go to work.I wouldn’t say no to an excuse though.’
7:‘This morning I found the cat when I tripped over him and I fell down onto my daughter’s princess castle.My ankle really hurts and I can’t bear weight on it.What’s that?It’s broken?%#@&.I sit at a desk so if I can have crutches I’ll try to go.I need to work. My wife is home with morning sickness and I need the money.
8:‘This evening I drove home using my left foot since the right was broken recently. I swerved in the driveway to avoid hitting the cat and when I stepped out of the car to check on the cat it was still in drive and dragged me a few feet until it ran over the kids’ bicycles. I have some scrapes.Between that and my ankle, I’m not so sure I can work but I don’t want to stay home and listen to the kids complain. Or look for the cat.Or be told I need a vasectomy.
9:‘My pain is an 8/10 but I have sympathy morning sickness and I’m vomiting the pain meds for my ankle, and also the antibiotics for this stupid cat-bite.I think if I have something for nausea, I’ll be OK.What do you mean ‘did the cat have his rabies vaccination?’’
10:‘So the kids were crying about the cat up in a tree in the yard and I climbed up to get it, but I forgot that I was taking pain meds and I fell eight feet onto the concrete; and simultaneously onto the cat.I feel pretty short of breath; the cat’s done-for.What’s that?Broken ribs, collapsed lung and concussion?Yes please, I’ll take a work excuse.
Abbreviated:
0: Get me out of this ER, I have to go to work
1: I don’t like my job and I don’t want to go to work but I’m ‘spota’ be there
2: I overslept
3: I over-drank/drugged/partied
4: I fell down and have a bad boo-boo and it hurts
5: I got a bad cut at work but everything still works fine now that you’ve fixed it
6: I have the flu
7: I have the flu and I’m short of breath
8: I had a car wreck and had a bunch of xrays and it took hours but nothing is serious
9: Broken long bone, high fever, short of breath, smoked ‘a little’ weed and employment drug screen today
10: Stabbed, shot, septic, MI, stroke, cardiac arrest, cobra bite, fall into big pit, injured stopping terrorist.
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