Classic presentation of the perfect patient

“What’s the problem? You’re the doctor,

why don’t you tell me!

I’m suffering an awful lot it must

be plain to see;

I’ve got back pain from that car wreck

back in nineteen sixty-five.

If I’d have worn my seat belt

there’s no way I’d be alive!

I’m out of my prescription and I

need help, I’m afraid.

I ain’t worried ‘bout the price, you see

I got my Medicaid.

So slip me just a little bit

of Demerol tonight,

then write me for some Vicodin

and then I’ll be all right!

But while you’re here I’ll ask you

what you think about this pain

I’ve been having in my chest for

two years every time I strain.

It probably ain’t nothing, but

my girlfriend said to see

if it’s any way related to

the burning when I pee!

Course, my wife ain’t any better

and I’ll tell you why right here;

she preaches every minute that

I’m drinkin’ too much beer…

Oh sure, I had a few tonight

but really, I feel fine,

I just drove twenty miles here,

and hardly crossed the line.

Truth is I’m a tough old cuss;

you should have seen me when

I was fighting Victor Charlie

back when I was in Phnom Pen.

Of course I know I’m forty,

but at fifteen snuck away;

I left my mom and pop

and then I joined the Green Berets!

I’ve been shot a dozen times or more

and stabbed at least sixteen,

I’ve broken bones and broken homes

and once misplaced my spleen.

The tattoo on my member didn’t

hurt one bit, I swear!

Just shot me up a little coke

and did it on a dare.

So what say we be buddies

and you ease my pain a while?

My doctor moved to Guam,

but look, he gave me all my files!

It says here that Dilaudid is

the thing to do the trick

but really, I ain’t picky

except Motrin makes me sick.

No I ain’t an addict,

doc, you’re making me real mad;

Sure I have some warrants out

but not for nothing bad.

So go ahead and call the cops,

but I’ll make sure you pay,

cause I’m calling up my lawyer

and I’m suing you today!

I can see you are a bastard

and you will not help a vet,

I’ll be you are a commie

or Republican worse yet.

I’ll bet you never really even

went to doctor school.

You’re calling me a druggie,

and that’s anything but cool!

I’ll up and kick your butt right now

so wipe that smile away,

if you’re a doctor I’m a Jedi

Knight, I’m here to say!

What’s that deputy? Sure I’ll

face the wall and spread,

cause I hurt so much all over

that I might as well be dead.

Say doc, I’ll see you later!

I’m so sorry I was rude.

Before I go to jail could you all

give a guy some food?

And one more thing before I go,

but maybe it’s no use,

since I’m gonna be in jail today

how about a work excuse?”

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