Here’s my column in this week’s Girls Just Wanna Have Guns. Published to highlight the madness of modern speech codes, it is another in my ongoing attempt to be added to assorted lists currently being compiled in our nominally free nation.
In light of the Paula Deen controversy, I’d like to offer the following checklist for everyone to keep handy.
Have you ever used a racially charged word, in public or private? Give yourself four points.
Have you used such a word, in public or private, while quoting someone else? A crazy uncle, perhaps, or a comedian or rapper? Give yourself three points.
Have you ever used such a word while reading aloud from Huckleberry Finn? Or from any period piece that deals with the old South? Did you ever think about such a word, in any way? Did you ever hold a book in which it was printed? Do you ever find yourself whistling ‘Zip-a-dee-doo da, Zip-a-dee-day,’ from Disney’s long banished ‘Song of the South?’ Give yourself two points.
Do you now, or have you ever, lived in the South, by which I mean the area below the Mason Dixon line, stretching from the Atlantic as far west as Texas? (It’s up to you to decide of Florida counts.) If so, give yourself one point. Just on principle.
Have you ever, in public or private, used a judgmental or pejorative word in relation to a member of the opposite sex, or a person of a different sexual orientation? Give yourself four points. (What’s wrong with you?)
At any point, have you quoted the use of such a word? For instance, a member of the opposite sex. Or an actor or actress? Give yourself three points.
Was there a time when you saw a movie, or listened to a piece of music (for instance, rap) in which such words were used? Did you ever walk around San Francisco or New York and find yourself a little confused about people’s gender? Give yourself two points.
Are you male? Give yourself one point. Are you white? Give yourself another point. Really, you should know better.
If you are a progressive, have you ever used an insulting term to describe a political opponent? Like, oh, say ‘tea-bagger’ or ‘redneck?’ Have you used the word ‘right-winger,’ or ‘religious nut?’ If so, give yourself zero points. I mean, come on, why are those people so dang sensitive? They need to grow up. Weirdos. (Probably home-schoolers too. Sheesh.)
Media personality or talk-show host? Lefty pundit or consultant? Have you ever used the term ‘fundamentalist,’ or ‘hick?’ Have you ever called a mentally challenged child a ‘retard?’ (Hat tip to Mr. Maher.) Do you routinely snarl and roll your eyes when you use the term ‘red-stater’ as if it meant ‘syphilitic cretin?’ Give yourself minus 4 points. You never know when you might need to redeem an honest slip of the tongue in the future.
If you are a politician, have you ever lied under oath, misused your office, embezzled, cheated on your spouse or used your position to lever benefits for yourself or your family? Give yourself a big fat zero. You’re a politician for heaven’s sake! What do people expect? (At least you didn’t use a racially charged word, did you? What? Take a zero anyway. Nobody’s perfect.)
Now, score yourself. If you scored between sixteen and twenty, immediately call a talk show for your mandated and cathartic emotional breakdown and explanation of that thing you think you might have done 20-25 years ago. And remember, your career and social standing are now over. But it’s what we expected. In all likelihood, you’re a white, male, conservative. Or might as well be. Oh for the days of the impromptu gallows!
If you scored between ten and fifteen, you’re probably on a list anyway so watch your mouth. A little self-flagellation, a little ‘mea culpa’ on a chat room, on a blog or Facebook page would be nice. (Be careful not to actually use the words you’re accusing yourself of having used…it’s too hard to score and involves Calculus.) You need some serious re-education. What, were you raised by wolves?
If you scored between five and ten, we’re still disappointed. However, you may be able to avoid embarrassment. Please begin to keep a notebook logging all of your sins, of omission and commission, in the use of insulting, hurtful, judgmental, hateful words that make people feel sad. If you’re a good boy or girl, we may let you burn it in public someday as an atonement. And then we’ll ridicule you for good measure.
Now, should your score have been between zero and five, we can only say this, dear citizen. You’re a liar who hasn’t done nearly enough soul searching. (Or a politician, progressive, celebrity or card-carrying member of an oppressed group, in which case, no worries.)
I hope this helps us all to be a little more conscious of the power of words.
Words like hypocrisy, stupidity, inconsistency, irrationality, drama and tyranny.
{"id":null,"mode":"form","open_style":"in_place","currency_code":"USD","currency_symbol":"$","currency_type":"decimal","blank_flag_url":"https:\/\/edwinleap.com\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/blank.gif","flag_sprite_url":"https:\/\/edwinleap.com\/wp-content\/plugins\/tip-jar-wp\/\/assets\/images\/flags\/flags.png","default_amount":100,"top_media_type":"none","featured_image_url":false,"featured_embed":"","header_media":null,"file_download_attachment_data":null,"recurring_options_enabled":true,"recurring_options":{"never":{"selected":true,"after_output":"One time only"},"weekly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every week"},"monthly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every month"},"yearly":{"selected":false,"after_output":"Every year"}},"strings":{"current_user_email":"","current_user_name":"","link_text":"Leave a tip","complete_payment_button_error_text":"Check info and try again","payment_verb":"Pay","payment_request_label":"EdwinLeap.com","form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","general_server_error":"Something isn't working right at the moment. Please try again.","form_title":"EdwinLeap.com","form_subtitle":"If you enjoy the content you read here, please consider dropping something in the tip jar!","currency_search_text":"Country or Currency here","other_payment_option":"Other payment option","manage_payments_button_text":"Manage your payments","thank_you_message":"Thank you so much! I appreciate the tip!","payment_confirmation_title":"EdwinLeap.com","receipt_title":"Your Receipt","print_receipt":"Print Receipt","email_receipt":"Email Receipt","email_receipt_sending":"Sending receipt...","email_receipt_success":"Email receipt successfully sent","email_receipt_failed":"Email receipt failed to send. Please try again.","receipt_payee":"Paid to","receipt_statement_descriptor":"This will show up on your statement as","receipt_date":"Date","receipt_transaction_id":"Transaction ID","receipt_transaction_amount":"Amount","refund_payer":"Refund from","login":"Log in to manage your payments","manage_payments":"Manage Payments","transactions_title":"Your Transactions","transaction_title":"Transaction Receipt","transaction_period":"Plan Period","arrangements_title":"Your Plans","arrangement_title":"Manage Plan","arrangement_details":"Plan Details","arrangement_id_title":"Plan ID","arrangement_payment_method_title":"Payment Method","arrangement_amount_title":"Plan Amount","arrangement_renewal_title":"Next renewal date","arrangement_action_cancel":"Cancel Plan","arrangement_action_cant_cancel":"Cancelling is currently not available.","arrangement_action_cancel_double":"Are you sure you'd like to cancel?","arrangement_cancelling":"Cancelling Plan...","arrangement_cancelled":"Plan Cancelled","arrangement_failed_to_cancel":"Failed to cancel plan","back_to_plans":"\u2190 Back to Plans","update_payment_method_verb":"Update","sca_auth_description":"Your have a pending renewal payment which requires authorization.","sca_auth_verb":"Authorize renewal payment","sca_authing_verb":"Authorizing payment","sca_authed_verb":"Payment successfully authorized!","sca_auth_failed":"Unable to authorize! Please try again.","login_button_text":"Log in","login_form_has_an_error":"Please check and fix the errors above","uppercase_search":"Search","lowercase_search":"search","uppercase_page":"Page","lowercase_page":"page","uppercase_items":"Items","lowercase_items":"items","uppercase_per":"Per","lowercase_per":"per","uppercase_of":"Of","lowercase_of":"of","back":"Back to plans","zip_code_placeholder":"Zip\/Postal Code","download_file_button_text":"Download File","input_field_instructions":{"tip_amount":{"placeholder_text":"How much would you like to tip?","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How much would you like to tip? Choose any currency."},"invalid_curency":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please choose a valid currency."}},"recurring":{"placeholder_text":"Recurring","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"How often would you like to give this?"}},"name":{"placeholder_text":"Name on Credit Card","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter the name on your card."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please enter the name on your card."}},"privacy_policy":{"terms_title":"Terms and conditions","terms_body":null,"terms_show_text":"View Terms","terms_hide_text":"Hide Terms","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."},"unchecked":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Please agree to the terms."},"checked":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"I agree to the terms."}},"email":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email address"},"not_an_email_address":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Make sure you have entered a valid email address"}},"note_with_tip":{"placeholder_text":"Your note here...","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"empty":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"not_empty_initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Attach a note to your tip (optional)"},"saving":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Saving note..."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Note successfully saved!"},"error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to save note note at this time. Please try again."}},"email_for_login_code":{"placeholder_text":"Your email address","initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your email to log in."}},"login_code":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"success":{"instruction_type":"success","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"blank":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Check your email and enter the login code."}},"stripe_all_in_one":{"initial":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"empty":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"success":{"instruction_type":"normal","instruction_message":"Enter your credit card details here."},"invalid_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is not a valid credit card number."},"invalid_expiry_month":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration month is invalid."},"invalid_expiry_year":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is invalid."},"invalid_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is invalid."},"incorrect_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incorrect."},"incomplete_number":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card number is incomplete."},"incomplete_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incomplete."},"incomplete_expiry":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration date is incomplete."},"incomplete_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code is incomplete."},"expired_card":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card has expired."},"incorrect_cvc":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's security code is incorrect."},"incorrect_zip":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's zip code failed validation."},"invalid_expiry_year_past":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card's expiration year is in the past"},"card_declined":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The card was declined."},"missing":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"There is no card on a customer that is being charged."},"processing_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"An error occurred while processing the card."},"invalid_request_error":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"Unable to process this payment, please try again or use alternative method."},"invalid_sofort_country":{"instruction_type":"error","instruction_message":"The billing country is not accepted by SOFORT. Please try another country."}}}},"fetched_oembed_html":false}
Your info is rather appealing.|