I’m now the proud owner of a smart-phone; an Android, to be exact.  How it happened is still a little mysterious to me.  But the saga began when my beloved, antiquated flip phone took a bath in the Atlantic thanks to tiny rogue wave; and the fact that I set the beach bag too close to the incoming tide.

After a fair amount of wrangling with Verizon to get an early upgrade, I went a fairly happy month with no phone at all.  Remarkably, my world did not collapse.  The fabric of the universe remained intact.  I did not have to answer phone calls or the rare text from my textellent wife and oldest son.

Eventually, I went back to the Verizon store ‘when the time was accomplished.’  Turns out that it would have cost me a bunch of money out the door for any phone; and about the same for the Android.  (Unlike the good old ‘free upgrade’ days.)  And I did the math and realized I had a paid e-mail account or two I could ditch and make up the data fee.

So I came home with a phone/ computer/  mp-3/ video-player/ camera device that has more computing power than any of the early NASA launch vehicles, and which is WAY too smart for me.

Still, it’s cool and I’m learning to adapt.  Except this morning, while trying to do e-mail from my phone, I managed to transmit three e-mails in a row that were only half finished, since I have ogre thumbs.  Best of all, it does help me to relate to my teens and even the youth in our church, because I can text more easily.  Furthermore, I have the Epocrates program which gives me the latest drugs, doses, costs etc. constantly on my side at work.  And it also gives me more versions of the Bible than I can even read; my Norse is rusty, after all.

From everything I’ve seen, I suspect that there’s an app for time travel at the speed of light, as well as teleportation.  I just haven’t found them  yet.

But I do have some suggestions for applications we need.  Let me say that the ‘Magic 8 Ball’ app is awesome for drug seekers.  ‘I’m out of my Percocet because my doctor has rabies and is in Antarctica…can you help me?’  Magic 8 Ball says…’doubtful.’  Sorry!

It has a metal detector; how about a lie detector?  ‘I can’t work anymore because it I twisted my ankle and they said if I don’t get one year off, I’ll lose my job.’  Android says…’Liar, liar, liar!’

I do have an Air Horn; how’s about a stun gun?  Now that’s an app I could really use on our drug-intoxicated citizens, before the police arrive.

How about a ‘drunk translator?’  ‘I doc, youthinkI’mdrunkbuti’mjustgonnakickyourouchwillyoupleasecallmymammaIgotta  pukeohlordohlord.’  Translation?  ‘Too much Tequila, I may throw up, will you contact my family?  Stand back.’

Honestly, an app that would teletransport Diet Coke directly from Jack-in-the-Box would make every shift at work a dream come true!

And an app that would, without violating privacy, send video of college students behaviors directly to their parents’ phones…that would be helpful this fall.

Best of all, an app that would emit an obnoxious, high frequency sound only heard by Joint Commission Evaluators would be a true best-seller in the  medical community.

I’m no computer expert.  I’m still struggling to dial the phone using the correct number.  But I can tell you that the Android has potential, and I’ll be happy to work with Verizon in any capacity they’d like!

Let me know what apps you’d like to see!


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