OK, like every ER, we’re getting a lot of ‘could I have the swine flu?’ inquiries.

I understand.  I love being alive.  I love that my wife and children are alive.  I’m not really keen on coughing and vomiting myself to death, either.  Furthermore, the government and media aren’t really all that reassuring.  Especially VP Joe Biden, but that’s another post altogether.

So, I’m happy to reassure everyone, so long as they know that the wait is long, the science is inexact, we don’t know enough about this virus, and my ability to predict the future is limited.

Still, here are a few guidelines that people seem to be using to determine whether or not they might have been exposed to swine flu.

‘I think I have the flu because I…’

‘Know a Mexican.  Saw a Mexican crossing street next to black cat.  Brushed against a Mexican.  Spoke with a Mexican.  Looked at map of Mexico and felt ‘funny.’

Went to Taco Bell.  Drove past Taco Bell.  Saw some Mexicans at Taco Bell.  Watched old episode of Zorro.  Recently heard Mariachi music in restaurant.
Touched a pig, saw a pig, heard a pig, ate some pig.

Enjoy bacon.  Put fat-back on my abscess.

Touched a pig, saw a pig, heard a pig, ate some pig in Mexico.

Heard pig play Mariachi.  Watched movie with pig in it.
Spoke with someone who did any of the above.

Once went to Central America.  Had crush on girl who went to Cancun and never knew I existed.

Started vomiting after eating old cheeseburger; which was, incidentally, purchased in restaurant where staff member had traveled to Mexico (on Spring break last year).

Kissed pig, kissed someone who speaks Spanish, looked at picture of Paz Vega, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Alba or Penelope Cruz.

Said ‘Hola,’ or any other Spanish word.’

Sigh.  It’s going to be a long pandemic…


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