Yesterday a man came to our emergency department looking for prescriptions for Lortab and Xanax.  He was also extremely drunk.  When I asked him if he bought Lortab on the street, he said, ‘no, but sometimes I find it lyin’ on the ground and I take it!’

Excuse me, did you say ‘lying on the ground?’  What neighborhood is that?  What street paved with hydrocodone?  It sounds like addict heaven; the streets paved with a find layer of cocaine, bottles of whisky growing on trees and little Lortab pills lying all over the ground, just for the taking. Like figs in the summer!

Look, as dreamy as it sounds, I don’t know too many people, addicted or not, who are so careless with their narcotics that they routinely drop them on the street.  They might tear up their antibiotic prescription in the ER parking lot.  They might leave their blood pressure medicine at Aunt Susie’s house in Charlotte.  They might even lose their inhaler in the frantic rush to find change for cigarettes.  But nobody drops Lortab on the street.  They might more likely drop the Cialis prescription they bought online! 

Still, it paints a lovely picture, doesn’t it?  All you have to do is bend down and pick up your drug of choice!  Ah, hope springs eternal.  Later, his drug screen showed cocaine and pcp.  ‘I don’t do that.  I never done that…’ he ranted through his blood alcohol of 250.  ‘I’ll swear on your  mother’s life.’

Wait, excuse me again, but you aren’t supposed to swear on my mother’s life, but your mothers life, get it? 

It was all very confusing.  I think I’ll go walk along the street until I find some Lortab or something.


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