Today’s diagnostic clues for the ER:

The knife sticking out of the patient’s chest, crying for help as he calls the nurse a ‘b..ch’  might suggest he is a sociopath.  And that he wasn’t entirely an innocent bystander.

The ability to text the message, “I’ve been in a car wreck, bring me something from MacDonalds,” while lying on a backboard, suggests that serious injury is unlikely.

A tattoo on the back that says something lewd like, ‘Saddle up’ could indicate a high likelihood of STD.

A patient who says, casually, ‘I’m on the hospital board of directors you know’ is actually saying, ‘all science aside, you’ll do what I ask you to do.’

The comment, ‘I’ve had that degenerative disc disease since I was 12’ is a strong predictor of a pending disability application.

The patient whose face is covered in gold paint probably doesn’t need a work excuse if he survives to discharge.

When the complaint begins with:  ‘Well, he was with his daddy’s house all weekend, till I picked him up and found this…’ is likely to involve an attorney and affidavit.

When the complaint involves 1) more than three body systems, 2) more than two decades 3) more than three specialists, you won’t solve it in the emergency department.

If a patient is over 90, wearing dirty work jeans, has a farmer’s tan and says ‘I don’t feel right,’ you have roughly 30 minutes to save his life.

When the elderly patient’s family asks, before you even examine the patient, ‘are you gonna keep him overnight?’ you might as well plan to keep him overnight.

More than three empty narcotic bottles, and a pain scale of 10/10, suggests an economic transaction has been the issue,  rather than a medical problem.

Tuck these away, kids.  They’ll come in handy someday!  And there are plenty more.  Send me a few of your own in the comments!

Edwin

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