First of all, I don’t think gun confiscation will ever happen in the US.  It didn’t work in Australia, and most of Europe is awash in firearms regardless of laws. In fact, most of the world is.  And those places with enormous amounts of violence also have extremely restrictive gun laws. 

There’s no political will for confiscation here, and pass whatever law you like, domestic police are unlikely to engage in this and the military is barred from doing so.  Furthermore, we don’t have the political will for voter ID or a border secure from firearms, drugs, violence and disease.  Disarming the lawful populace?  Never happen.

Still, I was thinking about the progression of thought on guns and what it would look like. I thus constructed the following ‘over the top’ story.


Confiscation Follies; a Satire

Chapter 1:

News headline:

‘This is Carol Newspeak, with breaking news:  In a great victory for sanity, and safety, America has finally come to its senses and banned sale and ownership of military-style, semi-automatic rifles.  I don’t know about you, but I believe that only the military should have weapons of war.  We’ll take you to some video of the first confiscation teams entering a home to take away those weapons. We’re going live to Rick Thoughtcrime at the scene.’

‘Rick, if I’m not mistaken, that SWAT team you’re filming is armed with semi-automatic rifles.  Those guys really know what they’re doing!’

‘Carol, those are actually fully-automatic rifles.  But those are highly trained officers after all, who need those weapons to ensure public safety and disarm dangerous, lawless, non-compliant individuals who won’t surrender those weapons.’

‘Well Rick, I for one feel much safer because those guys are out there.’

‘Me too, my friend, me too.  A great day for America.’


Chapter Two

‘Carol Newspeak here.  Rick Thoughtcrime is on assignment at the Bear Creek rifle range where police, thanks to new legislation, are asking hunters and shooters to turn in their sniper rifles.  After last year’s ten deaths with rifles, it was evident that what were commonly referred to as ‘hunting and target rifles,’ were in fact deadly sniper weapons, capable of shooting individuals hundreds of yards away.  How’s it going down there Rick?’

‘Well Carol, people aren’t happy, I can tell you.  But let’s face it, nobody needs a rifle that can shoot 500 yards.  And if taking these guns saves one life?  Well that’s just the price and gun-owners, reasonable gun-owners, know and accept that fact.  Frankly, is it really hunting when you shoot that far?  I mean, we’re talking with Julian Limpspirit, state law enforcement PR representative, who is a hunter who said, and I quote, ‘Honestly, if you can’t get it done in fifty yards with one bullet, you shouldn’t even be hunting.’

‘Rick, hunting seems barbaric to me anyway, but if we can make it safer for people and animals by taking away sniper rifles, then it’s a better world.’

‘You know it Carol.  Have a safe night, America!’

Chapter Three

‘Rick Thoughtcrime here.  America is moving in the right direction.  Just like all right thinking people in the world, we’re finally on board with the idea that dangerous weapons of war, like assault rifles and sniper rifles, have no place in the hands of citizens.  Which is why all repeating rifles and all repeating handguns have been banned as of today’s landmark legislation.  I’m at Big Box Outdoor Store to see these terrible implements carted away.  Carol Newspeak is our anchor today.  Carol, we all knew that plastic guns like the Glock (which would not be picked up by Xray) were capable of firing like machine guns.  But were you aware that Western style lever action and pump action rifles can be spray fired like machine guns as well?’

‘I had no idea until today, Rick. We have Tex Gutless, movie weapons expert, on the set.  What can you tell us about old West firearms, Tex?’

‘Well, they were deadly.   A man with a lever action Winchester or Henry Rifle could fire up to nine bullets by simply moving a lever up and down and pulling a trigger.  We’ll never know how many people died because of that technology. ‘

‘Tex, weren’t ‘six guns’ kind of the assault pistols of the old West?’

‘Yes Carol.  A man could hold the trigger back and fan the hammer and before you knew it, five bullets were whizzing out  bringing death and destruction.’

‘Why were they called six guns?’

‘Well, the cylinder could hold six rounds but it was usually safer to keep the hammer down on an empty chamber.’

‘I’m sorry Tex, I just don’t understand all the technical talk.  Sounds like they were horrible.’

‘Yes ma’am, they truly were.  And let me say, I feel much safer knowing that all revolvers and repeating rifles are now illegal.  And that only our brave law enforcement and military personnel have handguns that can fire fifteen rounds.’

‘Me too Tex, me too.  Thanks for your time.  Back to you Rick.  Now, do shotguns fall into that rule?’

‘Carol, indeed they do. Only single or double barrel shotguns are allowed.  Anything that is ‘semi-automatic,’ or ‘pump action’ is now illegal. And remember, just to recap, that a shotgun (sometimes called a ‘scattergun’) is a weapon capable of launching literally hundreds of tiny, well, they’re like BB’s, in just one pull of the trigger!’

‘Rick, wait, do you mean like BBs? Like the guns teenagers used to have?  That’s unbelievably horrifying.  So in essence, kids were carrying assault rifles for decades?’

‘Carol, that’s a great point.  A BB gun is like a tiny assault rifle.  But regarding shotguns, don’t worry.  Unless it can only fire one or two shells without reloading, or one or two rifle bullets without reloading, it’s now illegal.’

‘Rick, I still don’t know why anyone has such things.  Now, if memory serves, in the Civil War and Revolutionary War and others, people used ‘single shot’ muskets.  And millions died.  Maybe hundreds of millions. Isn’t that right?’

‘Well yes it is Carol. I took a history class in college and you’re right.  In fact, a trained soldier could fire up to four bullets in one minute.  Devastating, really.  Which is why we’re hoping it won’t be long until all firearms are completely illegal except for law enforcement, military and of course, private security for those who really need and deserve it.’

‘I pray it’s soon, Rick.’

Chapter 4

‘I’m Carol Newspeak and with me is Rick Thoughtcrime.  Bringing you an update on the final phase of firearms confiscation in America.  In an amazing victory, all firearms are now illegal and the last remnants are being confiscated door to door.  Unfortunately, large numbers of citizens have taken to the streets throwing bottles and rocks at police and government officials.   The riots are impressive, aren’t they Rick?’

‘Lots of people, lots of rage Carol.  Sadly, lots of ignorant, deplorable simpletons who don’t know that this is all for their own good.  Do you know that many of those on the confiscation teams (recently hired due to the refusal of many police to participate) have been injured by blunt objects?’

‘That’s unbelievable Rick.  At least all of the assault weapons and other deadly firearms are out of civilian hands.  I do worry about the confiscation teams. I mean, they’re doing heroic work.  What can they do to keep themselves safe against the thugs that call themselves patriots?’

‘Well Carol, funny you should ask.  Turns out they have a great tool at their disposal that you may recall from several years ago.  It’s called the AR 15 rifle.  It can hold a, what is it, clip?  Anyway the clip has up to thirty bullets and can reach out hundreds of yards to protect them from the savages.’

‘Rick, that makes me feel much better.’

‘It should make us all feel better Carol. And much safer than ever.’

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