The last few days have been a wealth of wisdom!  I have always said that even if I can’t get paid in money, I’ll take the currency of stories.

Well, here are some quick bits I received on recent shifts, with associated commentary:

‘Doc, if you’ll excuse my saying it this way, my infection is down by my goodies.’

Now, notice I left the gender off.  It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female.  You should never describe your genitalia to anyone as ‘my goodies.’  There may be a few relationships that are very intimate, in which such playful nomenclature may constitute a kind of foreplay.  But otherwise, cut it out!

‘Sure, I know there was cocaine in my drug screen.  But I just used it at a party!’

Help me out.  Is there a ‘cone of protection’ around everyone who uses cocaine at a party?  Or is there some kind of legal ‘neutral zone,’ whereby cocaine use at any form of social gathering or celebration constitutes normal, law-abiding behavior?  If so, where is cocaine considered inappropriate? ‘Doc, I’ll have to admit, I used cocaine while taking communion.’  ‘Doc, it’s true; I snorted cocaine in my own bathroom; not a party in sight.’  ‘Doc, me and the dog usually freebase a little after we play catch.’  No, sorry, not the case.  No cocaine free zones in South Carolina.  You must be looking for California.  But thanks for your honesty!

‘I think my mom is on disability because of…oh…I think it’s her health.’

Really?  I think we can stop right there.

‘You see, I dropped off my prescription for pain pills, but my friend had changed it and when the cops showed up we both had to run, because I didn’t have no other ride.’

Is this supposed to make me want to prescribe more?

‘I was in the hospital for three days and they didn’t do nothing.’

Nothing, that is, besides the free CT scan, ultrasound, surgical consultation, labs, IV fluid and IV Morphine…nothing other than that, right?

‘My mama hits me and is mean to me and she wants me to leave home!’

So leave; you’re 47 years old!
The stories just get better every passing year!  Have a fun weekend.

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