The future of air travel, as it might turn out

Thank you for flying Security Airlines, the latest innovation in safe travel. Before you purchase your ticket, we need to review a short list of prohibitions.  As you know, the case of the Shoe Bomber some years ago has resulted in special attention being paid to footwear as a possible means by which dangerous material may be smuggled onto an aircraft and used to cause death and injury. For this reason, we spent many years and many millions of dollars refining technology to make detect dangerous material in every variety of footwear. Our ultimate conclusion? It’€™s just easier to leave the shoes in your car. For this reason, special soft, carpeted walkways have been installed throughout our terminals.

You will also recall that liquids, excluding infant formula and prescription medications, are prohibited on commercial flights. Research now suggests that committed terrorists might have swallowed the necessary material to cause explosions. You are requested to remain NPO, ( have nothing to eat or drink), for the eight hours prior to your flight. Random individuals will receive upper endoscopy to verify the empty nature of their stomach.  If you have a runny nose, please be prepared to submit nasal discharge for chemical analysis before boarding.

Due to excellent investigative work, it has come to our knowledge that some terrorist cells have been training extensively in the use of the belt as a weapon of terror, and have planned to disable entire flight crews using assorted belts. These individuals can sometimes be identified by the logos on their large buckles, which may say things like, ‘Afghanistan, love it or leave it’, or ‘Guns don’t kill people, Al-Quaida kills people’, or the ever popular, ‘The Ottoman Empire Will Rise Again’. For this reason, and for your safety and comfort, we ask that you leave all belt-like devices at home. Sans-a-belt slacks will be considered on an individual basis, as will suspenders.

Because there is no end to the nefarious skills of terrorists, and because of the little publicized ‘underwear incident’ of 2006, we will also have to ask you to leave all brassieres at home as well, as they could be used to hurl dangerous items like eyeglasses and wrist watches at airline crewmembers. Underwear of sufficient size and elasticity may be used to choke victims, so all undergarments should be placed in checked luggage. Complicated negligee type items, with hooks, laces, loops, etc., are especially hazardous and may also serve as a weapon, or severe distraction. There are suspicions that terrorist bands of ‘suicide cross-dressers’ may attempt attacks with assorted fine undergarments. Therefore, these items must be 1) removed and deposited in the boxes at security checkpoints, along with pocket knives, nail-clippers, lighters, scissors, wedding rings, bracelets, retainers and other dangerous items, 2) mailed back home, 3) placed in checked luggage or 4) donated to our ‘lingerie for Security Agents’ program.

We at Security Air recognize that flights can be long and boring, and that reading material is a must. However, DO NOT bring your own reading material. Books and magazines are favorites of the agents of international terrorism. They may be used to smash fingers, whack foreheads, break noses or cause dangerous paper cuts. Furthermore, they can cause some passengers to become so engrossed in their contents that they are not sufficiently vigilant about potential terrorists all around them. Likewise, books and magazines may cause passengers to become offended, angry, inflamed, intelligent or even violent by rationally addressing world events, ethics, morals, religion or American Idol. Please enjoy our in-flight library of soft, soothing children’s books, and take a little trip down memory lane. Calm movies will be shown in-flight, consisting mostly of animal stories and re-runs of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and Captain Kangaroo. Ear-phones will not be permitted or supplied, due to their potential use as ligatures or restraining devices.

When checking in, you will be issued a disposable paper jump-suit.. Please realize that checked luggage will be randomly selected and violently detonated and analyzed in our special ‘munitions detection center.’

Sedatives may be offered on some over-seas flight to reduce the consumption of beverages and to quell complaints about itchy jump-suits.

Finally, please don’t say the words bomb, bomber, bombastic, bom-bom-bom, explosive, expletive, ex-wife, ex-husband, explicit, ex-patriot, terror, terrorist, terry-cloth, terrier or pteraydactyl, as we’ll have to search you again.

We wish you a happy, safe flight on Security Air! Where our motto is, ‘Profiling is stupid!’

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