And it came to pass that there was health-care reform,

With apologies to the prophet Amos

With apologies to the prophet Amos

But the people did not understand the meaning of that reform;

and their leaders ignored the doctors who cried out, ‘woe is all of us,’

being so much smarter than the doctors who work in health-care.

But the people wanted something free, and their leaders did therefore

give away the farm, so to speak.

So, the people will suffer higher taxes, both they and their descendants

for generation upon generation.

The economy will sink like the great elephant in a huge vat of oil;

and other countries will make collages of the dollar, for it will

be held worthless, owing to the forces of inflation and stuff.

The insurance companies the people hated, hated bitterly

for their denials and cost, these will surely pass away

since no one has to buy insurance until they get sick, and

will not have put in money in the first place, forsooth. Then the

great god government will swoop in and own it all!

And a plague of fees and smaller taxes, like scurrying

things on the ground, will descend upon the people,

who will pay more taxes on insurance and soda, on movies and

cars, on chocolate and ammunition, alcohol and guns and gasoline (all the good things).

And the great beast VAT will devour all the rest of their money

like warm oatmeal on a cold morning, will the VAT slurp

up their dollars.  Verily.  But care there will be; and yet, mysteriously, not be.

And we will wish to drive across the border for care like

Canadians, but they will forsake us; and a drive across to Mexico will only

lead to gunshot wounds and dysentery; verily.

And the people will sit and wonder, ‘where is my money?  Where is my job?’  And the leaders

will say, ‘it was those conservatives who took it all away…but you have healthcare?’

But the people will ask, ‘why live longer if I can’t do anything, my money being

used in collages and all?’

And their leaders will vanish on junkets and say, ‘What?  I can’t hear you over the jet engine?’

And their leaders will have excellent health-care plans; for let it be known through

all the land that leaders always deserve better stuff than the silly masses.  Leaders and union

members always get the best.

And a famine of available doctors will descend, during which time getting

an appointment will take longer than the Vice President making a cogent statement.

The ER’s will overflow with the wretched refuse of health-care reform.  The family doctors

will dream of the days when they were paid with chickens or pies, and will (like everyone)

receive small amounts of devalued dollars.

Specialists will sleep in, and will stop doing extra procedures; bright students will become

engineers, or community organizers.  Doctors on salary will work with all the efficiency of

the great, busy, industrious tree-sloth.

Lawyers will flourish, however, and the land overflow with them; they will bring lawsuits

against doctors with undiminished fury as states ‘explore options for tort reform,’ and

legislators look on in pride and with satisfaction at protecting the freedom…

of other lawyers.

And on that great day when it all collapses like so many tongue depressors stacked up into

the shape of Notre Dame cathedral, those who wanted it all will say,

‘who are you talking to?  I was pressured!  I was against it!  It was those darn conservatives!’

And the New York Times will agree.

Thus speaketh the prophet of health-care reform.


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