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The Work Excuse Scale

On a scale of 0-10, please rate your need for a work excuse.  Zero means you don’t need one and plan to go on to work and contribute to your own well-being and that of your family and the republic at large.  Ten means you absolutely, positively, no way, no how can go to work.  

Some examples for patients to review:

0:  ‘I slept all night, woke up, had a nice breakfast, kissed my family and I feel good!  Can’t wait to get to work.

1:  ‘I slept OK, but stepped on the cat in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep for an hour after that.  I feel pretty good but I’d love a nap.  Coffee made me feel better and I’ll be fine till tonight.’

2:  ‘The baby cried all night and so did the cat, which is in heat.  Turns out I’m allergic to either the cat or the baby (or have a cold) and I have had runny nose and sneezing all night.  I can’t taste breakfast.  I have a performance review at work and I need to be there so I’ll make it; but I kind of wish I could stay home.

3:  ‘The baby vomited several times on both of us; and my wife started vomiting too, and that made me vomit on the cat.  And the cat vomited.  But I think I’m fine now. I ate a little and put the cat out.  Slept about two hours all told.  I could stay home.  But I can power through.’

4:  ‘While the baby was asleep the cat got into some catnip and attacked my foot in my sleep. I thought it was an intruder.  I hit the cat with a lamp and I think I broke my toe.  I can’t find the cat; but I think it’s growling under the bed.  I walk with a limp and my foot is swollen and tender.  If you say it’s not broken, then I’m fine.’

5:  ‘The kids are with the grandparents and my wife and I celebrated our anniversary.  Maybe too much.  My head hurts and I think I fell asleep on the cat, which bit me on the arm. My arm is red and swollen and my mouth is very dry like cotton, or cat hair.  I can’t move my fingers very well.  Tylenol and Motrin didn’t help the hang….I mean headache.  I really don’t want to work today.  But I can.’

6:  ‘I was here yesterday with the cat bite; and yeah, I took the antibiotics but it’s kind of draining pus and I have a fever.  I don’t feel so good.  My wife took the kids to the vet and the cat to the pediatrician or something like that.  I work at a desk and I have a lot of bills, so if you can get me feeling better I’ll try to go to work.  I wouldn’t say no to an excuse though.’

7:  ‘This morning I found the cat when I tripped over him and I fell down onto my daughter’s princess castle.  My ankle really hurts and I can’t bear weight on it.  What’s that?  It’s broken?  %#@&.  I sit at a desk so if I can have crutches I’ll try to go.  I need to work. My wife is home with morning sickness and I need the money.

8:  ‘This evening I drove home using my left foot since the right was broken recently. I swerved in the driveway to avoid hitting the cat and when I stepped out of the car to check on the cat it was still in drive and dragged me a few feet until it ran over the kids’ bicycles.   I have some scrapes.  Between that and my ankle, I’m not so sure I can work but I don’t want to stay home and listen to the kids complain. Or look for the cat.  Or be told I need a vasectomy.  

 9:  ‘My pain is an 8/10 but I have sympathy morning sickness and I’m vomiting the pain meds for my ankle, and also the antibiotics for this stupid cat-bite.  I think if I have something for nausea, I’ll be OK.  What do you mean ‘did the cat have his rabies vaccination?’’

10:  ‘So the kids were crying about the cat up in a tree in the yard and I climbed up to get it, but I forgot that I was taking pain meds and I fell eight feet onto the concrete; and simultaneously onto the cat.  I feel pretty short of breath; the cat’s done-for.  What’s that?  Broken ribs, collapsed lung and concussion?  Yes please, I’ll take a work excuse.

 

Abbreviated:

0: Get me out of this ER,  I have to go to work

1: I don’t like my job and I don’t want to go to work but I’m ‘spota’ be there

2: I overslept

3: I over-drank/drugged/partied

4: I fell down and have a bad boo-boo and it hurts

5: I got a bad cut at work but everything still works fine now that you’ve fixed it

6: I have the flu

7: I have the flu and I’m short of breath

8: I had a car wreck and had a bunch of xrays and it took hours but nothing is serious

9: Broken long bone, high fever, short of breath, smoked ‘a little’ weed and employment drug screen today

10: Stabbed, shot, septic, MI, stroke, cardiac arrest, cobra bite, fall into big pit, injured stopping terrorist.