A few mornings ago, when I arrived in the emergency department, there was a lively discussion going on among our nurses. The night nurses, tired but cheery, were leaving. The day nurses, with fresh make-up and stories to tell, gathered around the desk. It’s always fun to see what things happened in the night and to gauge the tone for the rest of the day.
In the midst of discussing some of our more illustrious but difficult patients, nurse Christine S. suggested that we should have a device like the one on ‘Men in Black,’ which was used to erase recent memories. She felt we needed something that we could flash in people’s eyes to make a few of our regulars want to leave, or want to feel like going to their jobs; or finding jobs. Thus was born the concept of the ‘Neuromotivator!’
I think it’s a sound idea. Let’s face it, we have tons of patients who really need our care. They’re sick, injured, suicidal, broken and a dozen other adjectives. But then, there are those few who are lazy, unmotivated, shiftless, felonious, abusive and a few other adjectives of their own.
Imagine the way we could use it!
‘Well see, I need a work excuse for a month for this here broken toe, cause at my job, if you don’t take your short term disability for an injury for at least a month, they’ll fire you, you know? And there ain’t no light duty, I promise that.’
‘I don’t want a work excuse, sir, what I really want is to go and do my job so I can pay my bills!’
‘Demerol is the only thing that works for me. See, I take Lortab like it’s candy, and it don’t do crap. So if you’re gonna’ give me something, it had better be Demerol, cause this headache is the worst thing I’ve had in years, and I’m sick of you people not helping me!’
‘Nurse, if you’ll give me a Tylenol, I’ll go on home and take care of the yard-work. My headache isn’t that bad. Besides, I don’t have time to sleep all day, you know?’
‘Man, that cop beat me up! I had a seizure, and I have chest pain, and I don’t know where those drugs came from, and I’m gonna sue him for brutality!’
‘Sir, I’d like to go on to jail. See, I resisted arrest, and I shouldn’t have done that. Any pain I have is my own fault!’
‘I’ve had a work-up at Mayo Clinic, and at Duke and Emory Universities and nobody knows why I feel this way. Something has to be done tonight, and I mean it! Now I’ve got to take this call!’
‘I’m making it up. I just hate going to work, don’t you?’
Might even work for administrators:
‘It isn’t any harder than ever. All we’re asking is that you be kind, make patients happy, don’t make mistakes and do it all with the utmost compassion and cost-effectiveness. Now is that so hard?’
‘Wow, this place is a madhouse! You need more staff, more rooms and more security to escort people out!’
The Neuromotivator, by Christine S. An idea we can use. Brought to you by Oconee Medical Devices.