Sleeping Around in Odd Places

I used to practice locums medicine; which for the lay-person means traveling to different jobs, sometimes several states at a time.   During that time I stayed in a lot of hotels.  But, occasionally, I had more unique accomodations.  Obviously, if you travel enough you’ll sleep in an airport here and there. No big deal.  I actually like sleeping in airports occasionally.  When you’re stuck, you’re stuck.  Weather or mechanical issues, it’s fun to watch everyone freak out.  I’ve put my carry-on under my head and passed out cold in the waiting area.  Probably snored like a freight-train.

I have also been put up in apartments owned by the hospital. Not necessarily bad, although one of them felt as if it really weren’t in the safest part of town.  I wouldn’t leave my things there, and I insisted on a hotel.  Such is the power of locums.  I had a nice room the next night.

Once I had to spend my first night in a sleeping room, after hours, in the back of a local mental health clinic.  That was a little creepy. Again, I said, ‘no mas.’  I had no interest in being accidentally committed.

I’ve also slept over in hospital call-rooms, even on days off. That can be good or bad, but generally the beds are wretched.  Which always makes me wonder why patients are so anxious to get into them.  I guess any bed beats an ER gurney.

In one small, critical acces facility, I worked 24 or 36 hour shifts and stayed in a converted patient room.  I felt a little like a very old man, raising and lowering the head of the bed, and listening in the hallway to hear nurses walking up and down, taking care of the elderly who were there for rehab.  I ate off of hospital trays, sometimes reclining on my hospital bed.  I may have gotten a little too ‘into character.’

Today, however, was unique. I’m not doing locums per se, but I’m working a full-time gig out of town; three or four on, seven off. The hospital has an apartment that it keeps for us to use.  However, after I worked overnight last night, I was given a key and an address and sent off to find my sleeping hole.    However, at 6:00 am, the lights were dim, the signs were poor and I had almost no idea where to go.  In the dark, I was driving down abandoned streets, looking at windows and doorways, skulking up stairs in a retirement center, trying to figure out just where to go.  Confident I would eventually be arrested, Tased or shot, I went back to the hospital and a few phone calls later I was told where to go.  Indeed, my apartment was on the premises of a retirement community/nursing home. At 6:30 I was admitted to said nursing home where the lights were bright, the news on, and on old man propelled himself in his wheelchair, whilst holding coffee and looking at me suspiciously. It had that feel of a place where the day is about to start, but the changing days mean nothing.

I had a momentary terror, that I had it all wrong.  Was I really leaving my shift, my 53-year-old self sleeping off the busy night?  Was I still in my vigor?  My children still unmarried and my wife a couple hours away, looking forward to my return?

Or was one of the kids going to come to me and say, ‘Papa remember, you retired.  This is your home now!  We’ll visit you later, now go back to bed.’  Shudder.  Anyway…

A kind nurse took me to my apartment, and out of the off timelessness of the nursing home proper.  I slept a while, and left to go home.  However, due to some schedule issues decided to stay in town.

Rather than return to the apartment, which would be in use by the next doc and would consign me to the couch, I got a hotel room.  ‘Ah, rapture!  Cool sheets, dark shades, television before the bed!’

But as I checked in, I was cautioned, ‘we’ll be testing the alarms, don’t worry!’  I didn’t.  And then, for about two hours the fire-alarm intermittently sounded, all but deafening me.  My ears still ring from the thing.

Finally it stopped, and I slept off some of the night shift and its exhausting chaos.  And I was not shot, stabbed, Tased, arrested, committed or restrained due to dementia.

It was, therefore, another pretty good day.

The Dangers of Summer

This was my most recent column in the Daily Yonder.  Unfortunately, the Yonder website is down or I’d give you a hot link.

It’s Spring now and all across the land things are bursting with life. Flowers are in bloom, yards are bright with new grass and the sun is high in the sky. My car was, for a while, covered in a thick, green coat of pollen. Carpenter bees are still turning my log-house into Swiss Cheese. It’s pretty out, the sky is blue and the days are warm. Blah, blah, blah. I for one don’t really like this time of year. And it’s mainly because warm weather brings me patients with all kinds of injuries; some of them pretty nasty.

In rural America, there are dangers that seldom occur to people in more populous, metropolitan areas. Ironically, though, rural folks often assume that life in the city is more dangerous. And indeed, murder rates are higher.

However, according to the CDC, deaths from unintentional injuries are 50% higher in rural than urban areas; https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2017/p0112-rural-death-risk.html. These differences in death are due to several causes; rural citizens are further from necessary health care and are closer to large lakes and rivers, use dangerous equipment and firearms. Doubtless there are many factors involved in the difference.

Of course, some of the perils of rural life are just the result of living in close proximity to nature and all her deadly charms. In Spring and Summer, we encounter creatures that bite and sting. Just last year, while mowing our lawn, we must have run over yellow-jacket nests at least half a dozen times. By the end of the summer I just let the grass grow. ‘You win!’ I screamed to the little jerks, hiding in their holes. Whether it’s scorpions, hornets, wasps, centipedes, spiders or some other tiny monster, we simply encounter such creatures more in the warm months. And their various stings and bites, while rarely fatal, can cause dangerous allergic reactions. And make your spouse want to leave the area and move to a condo.

Fortunately, deaths from allergic reactions of all sorts are rare, and around 99 deaths per year in the US. https://www.aaaai.org/global/latest-research-summaries/Current-JACI-Research/death-anaphylaxis. Still, If you or your loved-ones are afflicted with such allergies, please talk to your physician about what to keep on hand; hopefully epinephrine injectors will get cheaper. And there are some other brands besides the ‘Epi-Pen’ that should be less costly. They just hurt a lot (the Black Widow) or make ugly wounds (the Brown Recluse).

Poisonous reptiles (Copperhead, Rattlesnake, Cottonmouth and Coral snakes) are also a feature of rural life in many areas. Those who ‘ooh and aww’ in city zoo reptile houses rarely have the singular delight of encountering these wonders in their own yards or whilst walking through the woods. But these creatures, while important to the eco-system, can deliver nasty wounds and in rare cases can be lethal. They’re certainly dangerous to your finances given the cost of anti-venin to treat the bites. So be aware as you go about working and playing in places where snakes are also enjoying the summer sun, or cool evenings.

Remember also that at least in the US, many snake bites occur because people are 1) intoxicated and 2) trying to mess with the snakes. And yes, ladies, this is a peculiar affliction of men that starts with ‘hey, betcha’ I can catch him!’ Actually, I have it on good authority that snakes don’t even like the taste of drunk people and would like to be left alone, thank you very much.

Now, other dangers of rural life have to do with the necessity of power-tools. In my own life, the chain-saw, weed-trimmer and lawn-mower are absolutely essential to keeping nature from simply over-running our house. But as the dear reader knows, these are things to be treated with great respect. Please use appropriate protective gear, like safety glasses, gloves, appropriate clothes and heavy shoes. Of course, those who work on highways or farms use much bigger types of tools and heavy equipment and have to be ever watchful. This is probably more true in Spring and Summer because that’s when farms are busy, roads need to be fixed, bridges repaired, pipes laid, power-lines connected, houses constructed and all the rest. God bless all those folks who make our lives better by doing hard, dangerous work on the hottest of days.

And of course, warm weather brings assorted recreational dangers. Hiking and camping are delights, but someone always manages to fall off of a waterfall or cliff-edge, break an ankle, sustain a laceration or encounter said biting and stinging creatures.
Bicyclists and motorcyclists look forward to warm months so that they can enjoy the open, dry road. But helmets really are important as is appropriate protective clothing, reflective material and good education. I’ve seen patients who left their tanned skin on 50 yards of asphalt. Nobody enjoys that.

Lakes and rivers are warm, and filled with persons who typically want to be dragged at high speed behind a power-boat while skiing, clinging to a large inflatable item for dear life, or kneeling on a wake-board. Likewise, fishermen head to their favorite spots (either in tournaments or alone for peace and quiet) and other aquatic persons kayak, canoe and raft the rivers that draw so many to rural America for vacations. All of which is fantastic! But remember to learn to swim, always wear life-jackets and follow local laws when doing all of the above.

Obviously there’s always the danger of heat exhaustion, heat stroke, dehydration and sunburn. We all have to remember to be careful to stay hydrated and remember that beer and caffeinated sodas don’t help. Also be reasonable about sun exposure and wear sunscreen to hep protect against skin cancers.

And if the gentle reader wishes to avoid painful foreign bodies and sutures, here’s another bit of advice. Wear shoes all; all the time. Simple and to the point.

Spring and Summer are glorious in rural America. But the dangers are many; I’ve only skimmed the surface here. Please remember to be safe, think before doing, follow the laws, don’t drink and boat, drive, ride, ski, pick up snakes, work with power-tools or do just about anything else. If you’re going to drink, find a chair and sit in it. That bit of advice would keep many an ER quiet all night long. Also remember that everything I said you shouldn’t do when drinking is something you shouldn’t do while taking narcotic pain medications.

I hope everyone has a great summer, free of emergencies. And that you can still be around when that first breath of cool air dips down from Canada and a proper season comes back once more.

Just please, please, be careful out there, OK?

(If you’re interested, here’s another link to a nice discussion of the unique injuries common in rural America. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1448517/)

Welcome new physicians! Watch where you step…

Today is the day that new resident physicians begin their training all across the United States.  Today, our future family physicians and pediatricians, neurosurgeons and emergency physicians, plastic surgeons and laser tattoo removal specialists (OK, not really a specialty, just a side-line) will begin learning how to be physicians, having completed four years of expensive college and four years of even more expensive medical school.  Anxiety-filled and debt-ridden, they will embark on four to seven (or even more) years of training to make them knowledgeable, technically proficient physicians.

I will occasionally wax poetic and philosophical for their benefit.  But not today.  Today there are practical matters.  Today I want to give them a few pointers, to ease their transition into the maelstrom of post-graduate medical training.

1)  Any flat surface that holds still, is free of gross body fluids and not used as a walk-way or cook-top will serve for a quick nap.  Practice sleeping in odd positions:  sitting upright, reclining at various angles, lying sideways or with your head cradled in your hands.

2)  In my day (always wanted to say that!) we filled our fresh, white lab-coat pockets with review books, algorithms, reference manuals, scissors and calculators.  And candy bars.  You, doubtless, have a smart-phone of some incarnation, which contains all that we had, as well as the Web.  Which means, where we had to play video games in the lounge and find answers in giant, antiquated things called attending physicians and books, you can look up fun facts on hyponatremia and instantly play Angry Birds, whether you’re on rounds, in the cafeteria or hiding in the call-room, pretending you didn’t hear ‘code blue.’

3)  Eventually, you may decide the lab-coat isn’t worth it.  Don’t be surprised.  Your kids will eventually wear it for Halloween.

4)  If you keep the lab coat, what with the extra space in your pockets, carry extra candy bars.  Or protein bars, or whatever it is you crazy kids snack on these days.

5)  Watch where you step.  Trauma patients and cardiac arrests are exciting!    But there’s almost always some body fluid on the floor when the shouting is over.  Try not to get too covered in blood early in your call night.  It’s sticky and gross.

6)  You know so much.  You don’t know anything.  Keep those two ideas in constant tension.  Odds are, your command of modern evidence-based medical research is extremely impressive.  Eighteen years after residency, I can still leave you in the dust when it comes to making decisions and knowing who is sick and who isn’t.

7)  See above.  Learn, as quickly as you can, who is sick and who isn’t.  Hopefully medical school helped; but don’t count on it.  If you know this simple thing, you will know when to go for help, when to panic (or not) and what to tell your upper level residents and attending physicians on rounds.  And you will become that greatest of commodities:  useful.

8)  Look professional, develop your own style.  Be comfortable.  My friend Sherri used to wear pearls on call, with her green scrubs.  They always made her appear elegant, no matter how much pediatric vomit had been hurled her direction.

9)  Patients can be frightening.  But remember what they told you at camp, about bears, raccoons and snakes.   ‘Don’t worry, they’re just as afraid of you.’  This is kind of true.  Except patients really aren’t afraid to ask for pain medicine or call attorneys, whereas you are afraid to do anything since you can’t believe you know anything yet.

10)  You may be more frightened of physicians than patients.  But remember, the people assigned to train you are smart, capable and experienced.  And they put their tentacles in their pants just like everyone else.  Ask them questions, listen and watch.  And remember what I said above:  be useful.  My surgery resident was fond of saying, ‘Help me, don’t hurt me!’

11)  You will soon have a thing called a paycheck.  It will have a stub that shows how much the government is taking from you.  Do not be surprised.  This happens to everyone.  It’s just that you owe a lot more money than most people.   Cheer up!  Everyone expects you to be rich someday, so they can complain about the fact that your rich.  (Whether you will be or not remains to be seen.)  Remember that no matter how little or much you make, never tell a contractor or car-dealer you’re a physician.  Tell them you work in customer satisfaction, or something nebulous like that.

12)  Crazy people, even really crazy people, are sometimes terribly ill.  Pay attention.

13)  Ill people, really ill people, are sometimes very crazy.  Pay attention.

14)  Medicine is inexact.  I promise you will make mistakes. Don’t live in fear, and don’t let error define you.  No one in medicine, or law, is capable of perfection.  Except for being perfectly insufferable, of course.

15)  If you poke things that look like they are filled with blood or pus, they will explode into your face; if you tend to hold your mouth open when you focus, well you know what will happen.

16)  Scalpels really are sharp.  Pneumonia and HIV and TB and Hepatitis really are communicable.  Psychotic patients really will try to choke you.  Medicine is dangerous.  Be careful out there!

17)  Human beings are really frail, vulnerable and hurting.  Be gentle and kind whenever possible.

18)  Have fun!  Don’t think of it as residency, think of it as a chance to spend most of your waking and many of your sleeping hours in a huge, cold-building where people are dying!

19)  Everyone is proud of you.

20)  Pay attention to what the nurses say.  They aren’t always right.  But for quite a while, they’ll be right more than you are.

21)  Only three to seven years to go!  Hang in there.  Remember, it’s no different from Boot Camp.  It just lasts much, much longer.

Pandora’s Pill Bottle. (A poem about the narcotic epidemic)

Pandora’s Pill Bottle

‘Patients who suffer from painful conditions
Should always be treated by caring physicians,
Who never forget to give good medications
For problems from fractures to awful menstruation.’

‘The fifth vital sign is your bright guiding light
The pain scale will lead you to do what is right,
So doctor remember to show some compassion
Since giving narcotics is now quite the fashion!’

Thus we were told for a decade or two
As patients stopped breathing and turned rather blue.
But hospitals loved their new high survey scores
And doctors were turned into pill-writing whores.

Yet things are now changing across the whole nation.
There’s blame all around and new drug regulations.
‘What were you thinking? What were you doing?’
‘How could this happen? Someone will start suing!’

In ER’s and clinics and every location
We docs shake our heads with increasing frustration.
We did what they told us despite all our fears
And Pandora’s Pill Bottle spilled out for years.

The pain scale betrayed us and caused too much trouble
The fifth vital sign is a big popping bubble.
The statistics we’re reading have left us quite nauseous.
So we’re trying new things to save lives and be cautious.

Dear doctors it’s you that must make these decisions!
Push back against administrative derision!
And when those ‘above us’ make policy errors
Stand in for the truth to prevent further terrors.

New Year’s Eve With My Best Friend

This is my column in today’s Greenville News.  Official link not up yet at the News website, but I’ll post it when I can.

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I remember being an adolescent, ringing in the New Year with my family. My mother a nurse, and my father a pastor, we just weren’t big ‘party people.’ Their mantra (which is now mine) was ‘nothing good happens after midnight!’ (I have plenty of anecdotal doctor stories to back up that assertion, by the way.)
We’d shoot some illegal fireworks off, or fire a gun from the back porch at midnight, and we’d eat some shrimp as the ball dropped in far-off, sparkling, exciting NYC. Then mom and dad usually fell asleep early and I wished for something to do. They were busy folks, and reasonably tired, so New Year’s Eve wasn’t much different from any other night. My wife’s childhood memories were similar, as her parents worked hard and rested when they could. Furthermore, those were the ‘dark ages’ when the Internet wasn’t part of life, and communications to the rest of the kid world were restricted to the house phone and the postal service. (Can you imagine?)
So it was no surprise that Jan and I celebrated a remarkable event on December 31st. For the first time in 22 years, we spent New Year’s Eve together… with nobody else. No kids, no relatives, no friends. Zero.
We aren’t opposed to enjoying the holiday, mind you. Over the years of our dating and marriage we’ve had lots of wonderful New Year’s Eve celebrations, from small affairs with friends to dress-up evenings in crowded restaurants.
We’ve had many parties at our house on the hill, with plenty of food and fireworks, bonfires and chaos. We’ve had church youth group events where dozens of young people played capture the flag in the freezing cold, the night illuminated only by flashlights, after which shivering teens (and leaders) warmed themselves by the fire and passed out on the floor from fatigue.
Most years the attendees were simply bunches of our kids’ friends and our own, along with as many family as possible, whom we promised that the fun and laughter would outweigh the danger of stray bottle rockets, brush fires or jackets set on fire by sparklers.
But this year, all of our ‘children’ from ages 15 through 22 (not so much children now), had things to do, people to see and places to go. Based on our own experience as young people, we could hardly blame them. And rather than try to make them feel guilty, rather than be stuck on some dead-end, potentially toxic nostalgia, we said ‘be careful and have fun! Keep us posted where you are and what you’re doing!’
I had worked all day in the ER and arrived home, where Jan had a yummy meal waiting. I took dinner to our room where we settled in for a very, very uneventful evening. Good Clemson parents, we periodically paid attention to the score of the Clemson-OSU game. Good former homeschool parents and life-long nerds, we watched Tolkien’s Return of the King on TV. We weren’t cold, nobody around us was intoxicated, we didn’t have to drive anywhere and the wait for food was non-existent.
I seem to recall learning that Clemson had won, and the dark forces were pouring out of the gates of Mordor, right as I said, ‘I love you baby! Happy New Year!’ At that point the dark forces of fatigue enveloped me and I was out around 11:30. Jan, with more fortitude than I, stayed awake until after midnight.
Emotions are funny things. And we humans can keep lots of competing emotions in constant tension together. That night, even as we missed our children and thought back on all the beautiful, laughter-filled evenings of the past, we were buoyed up by the deep, underlying love and friendship that we have had since our first date almost 33 years ago. We rang out the old, and rang in the new together, with joy and contentment.
Parents everywhere should try to remember that as wonderful as our kids are, and as delightful it is to spent time with them and others, our marriages are the deep, holy bond that will remain, and see us to the end. We know there will be parties again. But party or not, the best New Year’s Eve, the best day, the best night, the best life, is the one we spend together.
How do the vows go? In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, at parties or at home with only you? I do. Always.

Sports Impairment and My Southern Man-Card

 

This is my column in today’s Herald-Dispatch.  My hometown newspaper in Huntington, WV!

http://www.herald-dispatch.com/opinion/edwin-leap-don-t-worry-you-won-t-lose-your/article_3706dd19-3472-520d-856d-09e3580d3886.html

It’s a terrible confession to make as a Southern male, but here it goes. I don’t care a lick about sports; not leagues, not high school, not college not pro. It feels liberating to say so. I figured I might as well be honest about it, because I’m forever confronting the reality of my sports-impairment in various and sundry ways.
One way my dilemma arises is I’m standing in the check-out line at a store, wearing my WVU t-shirt when another customer asks what I think of the Mountaineer’s chances this year. I usually make some sort of generally non-committal remark about how ‘I sure HOPE they do better this year!’ Which means that at some point in the distant future, if they manage to win a championship, I’ll have to be more careful and say ‘well, if LAST year was any indication this should be a good one!’ I try not to make eye-contact. It’s too uncomfortable.
What I usually want to explain, but never bother, is that I wear the shirt because I grew up and went to school there. And it was awesome and I have wonderful memories (same reason I wear my Marshall shirt). But it’s hard to stop a die-hard sports fan and say, ‘well, the truth is I really didn’t have time for sports because I was studying a great deal, but I’m proud I graduated!’ That makes people go to the next checkout line and shake their heads.
I’ve noticed the same thing at church. I remember finding myself in deacon’s meetings with little to contribute to the discussion at zero dark thirty Sunday morning. As everyone made the rounds of the previous day’s games, it was ‘Ed, Marshall did well yesterday didn’t they!’ ‘Sure did…(I guess).’ I put my head down, ate my biscuits and gravy and (since I live in South Carolina) I just let the orange or garnet wave pass over.


I’m not trying to be a snob, please understand. In my childhood I just wasn’t formally taught anything about athletics. Admittedly, my dad built a basketball court for me in the back yard. All the neighborhood kids and I had a great time there at all hours of the day and evening. But the rules were not exactly formally enforced. It was as much social time as athleticism. I also learned a little about football in the front yard. Specifically, I learned that ‘touch’ can be widely interpreted. I realized that lying on my back gasping for air one day, looking up at the fading blue sky.
I remember once around sixth or seventh grade that I went to the mother of one of my more athletically inclined friends and asked about joining a basketball league. She was kind, in a ‘bless your heart’ sort of way, and said we might be able to cram on the rules but it wasn’t looking good. Age 12 and I was already too old to start. I got the message and moved on without looking back.
Instead I filled my days with walks in the woods, turning over rocks in the creek for crawdads, seining for minnows, riding horses with my grandfather, shooting arrows into bales of straw, carrying my BB gun everywhere, shooting bigger guns whenever the opportunity afforded itself and generally acting like a joyous junior barbarian. Those became my preferred activities, until I discovered martial arts, then girlfriend, in high school.
My wife Jan grew up with brothers playing football. If I don’t understand a game that’s on, I just ask her and she guides me through. Two of my children attend Clemson University, and the other two are also fans, which is great. But they didn’t get it from me. Just recently they were all talking about the season and daughter Elysa said, with surprise, ‘why look at us, talking about sports like a normal family!’
I have great respect for all those devoted to their teams, who can quote stats like chapter and verse of scripture. May your team get all of the touchdowns, field-goals, runs and everything else it needs. But to all those who never got it, who never fell in love with sports, it’s alright. You aren’t alone.
Do your thing. You aren’t less of a Southerner or less of a man. And when the discussion turns to yesterday’s contest, learn to smile, nod and just say this: ‘that was some game!’

Learning to be Careful; The Hard Way.

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One of the terrible things about being a physician who has spent his adult life working in emergency rooms is that you have a certain terrible clarity about the dangers of this life. It’s why we’re forever pestering our loved ones with phone calls and texts: ‘are you there yet!’ Or telling the children, ‘be careful! After midnight there are too many drunks on the road!’ Met, of course, with rolled eyes.

We see, we have seen, a shocking variety of ways in which people shrug off this mortal coil. However, it’s always a bit of an eye-opener when you walk through the valley of the shadow in person. I can think of a few times I did. Once, coming home from a residency interview, my dad and I nearly went full bob-sled under a jack-knifed tractor trailer driving downhill on an icy interstate in Maryland. There was the time I was almost stuck in the middle of a 10 foot wall of flames in the woods on our property. I ran out but only later realized how close I came to being barbecue. There was also the time I was bent over a tree that fell in an ice-storm, cutting it with a chain-saw. I stood up to stretch and another tree fell right where I had been bent. My doctor brain ran the possibilities and none were pleasant. I know what happens to the human body.

Now here I am, 23 years into my practice following residency, and I had another brush with my mortality. First, a little back-story. Like many families with multiple kids in high school and college, we are afflicted with vehicles. One of these cars (and I use the term loosely) is assigned to my high-school senior son, Elijah. For a few months the car (an automatic) would simply drop out of gear and lose all power. Thus it was consigned to the local transmission expert for a six week spa treatment, after which the transmission issues seemed fully resolved. But then it wouldn’t start.

So, one day last week Jan (my wife) and I decided to push it into a better location to try and jump the battery and trouble shoot. It was also in the way of the propane delivery truck, so it had to be moved. We were pushing it backwards, she at the front and I behind the open driver’s side door, pushing and steering simultaneously.

It’s a light car, an Infiniti I-10. Moving it was fairly easy. What became immediately clear was that stopping it was more difficulty. We pushed it across our driveway into the yard, which (we sadly forgot) slopes away at about 15 degrees.

The car picked up speed as objects on inclines are wont to do. But I was still behind the door. And it was headed for the many trees and stumps of our own forest. Jan yelled for me to be careful as I ran backwards. Then I tried (like the 52 year old fool I am) to jump into the seat and put on the brake. ‘Au contraire,’ said the involved force vector, which was hurtling the vehicle ever faster into the kingdom of the squirrels. And in my attempt, I fell to the side of the moving metal death-dealer, in front of the open door which my paramedic brother later described as a ‘scoop blade’ or some other horrible thing.

In a not very manly manner, I yelled. A lot. Perhaps to increase my strength as we do when lifting. Or perhaps because I knew it wasn’t going very well and I was very scared. I had visions of the car rolling over me and realized I had to push away. Finally, after being struck on the left shoulder and knee by the car door, I hit the ground hard and rolled away. As did the car, about 75 feet downhill into the woods, in the process nearly tearing off the driver’s side door, knocking down several trees and ending with a dent in the rear bumper and trunk.

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Many a small animal suffered panic attacks that day, and several trees crossed the rainbow bridge, or whatever it is trees cross when they are killed by hurtling bits of steel powered by stupidity.

Jan came to my side and I stood up, my pride injured, my arm black and blue, my knee tender and swollen. Nothing serious at all. The car? Less so. It had to be pulled out of the woods with a winch and hauled off on a flat-bed truck. In truth, I was ready to be shy of that car. I always had fears that it would lose power on the Interstate as Elijah pulled in front of a larger vehicle, or something like that. I’m ready to be done with it. I just didn’t realize we’d dispose of it by crashing it into the woods.

Christian that I am, I see divine providence all around. Maybe this was God’s way of making me sell the car; or scrap it. Certainly, God’s hand was in my escape from the Infinity that might well have launched me (somewhat ironically) to eternity. I am convinced that my guardian angel pulled me clear then threw his hands up and walked away for a snack break, or the weekend off. ‘Lord, I can’t be responsible when someone does something so ridiculous,’ he (or she) might have told the Father.

Even as I am thankful to God, I am also glad that I work-out, and so I have reasonable strength and agility. Among the many health problems associated with obesity and a sedentary life-style, one that is seldom mentioned, is that since life is dangerous, we must be prepared to rescue ourselves from said dangers as much as possible. As Rikki-Tikki-Tavi’s mother said, ‘A fat mongoose is a dead mongoose.’ I’ve always tried to live by that maxim. Except of course for not being a mongoose nor regularly encountering cobras.

I do think the lesson also reminded me to be more wary. I’m a guy who works in an emergency room. Not only do we treat the results of dangerous events, we are around the violent, the ill, needles, chemicals, infections and all sorts of things. I have to be diligent. Furthermore, I drive at all hours of the day and night. I work with power tools, including chain-saws. I handle firearms. I have a (sadly neglected) metal smithy where temperatures reach upwards of 3000 degrees F. I wrestle with my teenage sons. It is possible that God was just saying, ‘look, you’re no Spring chicken. I want you to do a lot more stuff for the Kingdom, so please be careful!’ To which I reply with a heart-felt, ‘You bet Lord, and thanks again!’

I shudder to think of the possible injuries I could have sustained the day the car rolled out of our control. They come to me in flashes of anxiety now and then, as I consider the horrific alignment of physics, anatomy and physiology. Head smashed against tree, hip dislocated, femur snapped like a dry branch, ribs broken, lungs collapsed. But the bottom line is I’m here, I’m fine, and God is good.

And I will try to never accuse any future victim of an accident of being stupid. Because bad things, dangerous and deadly things often start off with the most innocent of motives and accelerate much faster than we can imagine. All too often to terrible conclusions.

So we all need to just pay attention and think before we do, well, almost anything. Life is short. As one of my neurosurgeon friends used to say every time I consulted him, ‘hey, be careful out there, OK?’

Election Related Illness…

Now that the presidential election is past, national emergency departments are seeing an increase in election-related health problems. While anxiety, depression and homicidal rage are what one might expect, it turns out, according to emergency physician Dr. Chuck McShortridge, the bigger issues seem to stem from people sitting at computers all day long and linking to political posts on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and assorted other online outlets.
“Just last week we had three patients with massive pulmonary emboli. I asked their spouses about surgery, cancer, fractures, trips overseas, and the common thread was this: ‘No, but he (or she) spent the last six months linking to articles about how Hillary is a crook or Donald is a liar, or something like that.’”
Other physicians have noticed the same. Dr. Maggie McFarris reported another issue: “I keep seeing patients who complain of a constellation of symptoms: blurred vision, sleeplessness, carpal tunnel syndrome and in some cases, acute renal failure. I call it Donald-Clinton Syndrome. They never get off the (expletive deleted) couch. All day long it’s ‘that Hillary is a crook who can’t be trusted’ or ‘he hates women’ and links to dozens of articles a day. They don’t eat, they don’t drink, they don’t exercise, they don’t even have sex.”
One spouse we interviewed in the waiting room of a large ER said, “My wife has lost a lot of weight because she won’t eat! Just the other day I made this great vegetarian dish she loves and all she said was ‘I don’t have time, I just found this incredible piece on Trump at Politico and I have to share it!’ I ate dinner alone. Thank God the election is over say she can finally get the Xanax and IV fluids she needs.”
On a related note, some politically active physicians we met in the course of this article are lobbying to have advocacy counted as CME. Dr. Joseph Mooring, known for his bumper-sticker-laden Subaru, political buttons and frequent presence at online forums, stated: “CME? Who has time for that? I’m trying to save America, and in the process American healthcare! I should totally get credit for the hours I’ve logged trying to save the nation!” American Board of Emergency Medicine representatives said the board might be able to work political advocacy into the new Lifelong education modules.
Practitioners are urged to continue to be diligent in looking for election related illness and injury.

What do you mean it’s a cold? A poem…

What do you mean it’s a cold?
A poem for viral illness season.

Fever, cough and runny nose,
Muscle aches from head to toes,
Scratchy throat and stuffy ears,
Doctor, please allay my fears!

Can’t I get some Zithromax?
Lortab for my aching back?
Maybe just Amoxicillin,
For my stuffy, whiny children?

You say virus I, but I’m dying;
Surely there ain’t no denying,
What I have is devastating,
And I spent an hour waiting!

Hook me up and make me better,
Else I’ll write your boss a letter;
Don’t you tell me ‘it’s a cold,’
That tired line is getting old.

I know it must be bronchitis,
Strep throat, Zika, meningitis!
I require a strong prescription
For my horrible condition!

Cipro, Doxy, Levaquin
That’s what someone gave my friend,
After two weeks they felt well
So why should I endure this hell?

Please throw in a week off work,
Percocet’s an added perk,
My tolerance for pain is high,
But I am just about to cry!

What, I don’t get any meds?
Drink some fluid, go to bed?
Are you crazy, are you cruel?
I think you’re a quack, a fool!

I’ll go home but I may sue
Everyone, especially you.
I don’t need this here abuse…
Fine, now what about that work excuse?

EPIC Go-Live Day! And a prayer for wisdom…

Some dear friends of mine, at Busy Community Hospital, are having a momentous day.  Today is the ‘Go-Live’ for their brand new, shiny EPIC EMR.

For those of you outside the hallowed, creaky halls of medicine, EPIC is one of the most widely used electronic medical records systems in America.  It’s big, it’s expensive, it captures lots of data, integrates ER’s, hospitals, clinics, labs and everything else.  (Probably your cat’s shot records too.)

EPIC is also a company highly connected to the current administration; big donors to the President.  FYI.

The problem isn’t what you get out of it, it’s the cumbersome way you have to put it in.  In my opinion, for what that’s worth, EPIC is not intuitive. It takes a long time to learn to use it well.  I have never used it in a situation where it could be fully customized, but I’m told that makes it easier.  And admittedly, some docs and nurses truly love EPIC and are at peace with it.  I suspect they have implanted brain chips or have undergone some brain-washing.

https://giphy.com/gifs/zoolander-ac38RqTgQXYAM

Typically EPIC instruction occurs over weeks, as it has for my friends.  The first time I used it was in a busy urgent care, which was part of a large medical system.  And I learned it over one hour. On the Go-Live day.  So I’m sympathetic.

Thus, I have a prayer for those in the belly of the beast right now:

A Go-Live Prayer for those with new EMR systems.

Lord, maker of electrons and human brains, help us as we use this computer system, which You, Sovereign over the Universe, clearly saw coming and didn’t stop.

Thank you that suffering draws us to you.

Thank you for jobs, even on bad days.

Forgive us for the unnecessarily profane things we have said, or will say, about this process.

As we go forward, we implore you:

Let our tech support fly to us on wings of eagles and know what to do.

May our passwords and logons be up to date.

Protect us from the dreaded ‘Ticket’ submitted to help us.

May our data be saved, not lost.

Let the things we order be the things we have.

Shield us from power loss, power surge, virus and idiots tinkering with the system.

Give our patients patience to understand why everything takes three hours longer.

And may our prescriptions actually go to the pharmacy.

Keep us from rage and tirades.

Protect the screens from our angry fists.

May everyone go home no more than two or three hours late.

And keep our patients, and sanity, intact.

Great physician, great programmer, heal our computers.

Amen