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The Life of the Wife:  an interview with doctor’s wives

My wife’s name is Jan.  I met her my sophomore year at Marshall University, in 1983.  I was bright-eyed, driven, OCD pre-medical student.  She, on the other hand, was a genuine human being.  We dated for six years and were married just before I started residency in 1990.  She kept me sane for many years, endured the distance of medical school when we lived 3 hours apart, and managed to keep us married during the trials of residency training.

She is my darling.  She is my best friend.  She is mother of my children, co-conspirator in our attempts to mold their minds, and she is the one who will grow old with me down the years to come.

She is also, bless her heart, a doctor’s wife.  She never would have wished it upon herself, but she has adapted.  Over the years, we’ve discussed the odd world of medical marriages.  We could, and should, write a book.  Being a doctor’s wife is a hard row to hoe (ask someone from the country what that means).

What does all of that have to do with this piece?  Well, I’ve wanted to write about doctor’s wives for a long time.  I’ve wanted to write about the difficulty, the pleasure, the struggle, the weirdness that is a medical marriage.  (Romance authors have already done a nice job of writing about the fantasy doctor’s wives and their glamorous, sex-filled, money drenched lives.  I’ll leave that alone.  Jan, however, said she’d like to know more about that option.)  I considered interviewing Jan for this article, but we decided that it would be better to have a few other perspectives as well.  So, one evening a few months ago, we sat down around the table at our favorite Mexican Restaurant, Puerto Nuevo, in Walhalla, South Carolina.

While our children sat in a nearby booth, made bizarre noises and laughed uncontrollably, we talked about the ‘life of the wife.’  With us were three other wives of emergency medicine physicians.  Two of the husbands are still in practice, while one, of blessed memory, died a few years ago.

Now, for purposes of the interview, I will refer to the ladies as A, B, C and D.  (By the way, I realize there are many doctor’s husbands, and I’m not trying to be sexist.  I just don’t know any personally.)

As the chips and salsa arrived, and our drinks were dispersed, I turned on the digital voice recorder, took out pen and pad, then went to work.  They talked fast, as good friends so often do, but I think I got some good stuff.  Ultimately, it was less interview and more dialogue.  Either way, it was powerful.

Ed:  As medical spouses, especially as emergency medicine spouses, what issues come to mind about your lives, your husbands, the public?:

A.  I don’t know how the husbands do it. And wives can’t offer solutions to the problems.  I feel impotent to help my husband with ‘out of control’ situations.

D.     The community really doesn’t understand what our husbands do!  And there’s so much criticism of ‘front-line’ medicine.  The public has no idea of the problems, like insurance companies and free care.  It’s easy to feel isolated from everyone except for other emergency medicine families.

C.  It’s nerve-wracking:  ‘Well, you’re doctor so and so’s wife, are you?’  You wonder if they’re happy or angry with the care they received.  You say ‘depends, did you get better after you saw him?’

B.  Do you ever cringe in public?  You know, I’ve had credit cards thrown back at me when someone read my husband’s name on them.  Maybe it’s a small-town thing, but it still hurts and makes you mad.  Even though 95% of the people I meet love him, and appreciate him, it makes me angry to have people act that way.

A.  There’s no anonymity in small towns.

B.   How many restaurants do you avoid because of patients?

A.      The specialty opens you up to the sinister side of the world.  Worlds intertwine in weird ways, you know?

Ed:  How about other fears?

B.       You worry about what your husband will catch and bring home.  HIV, Hepatitis C, TB.  It’s all out there in the patients.

C.  They certainly bring home cold and flu viruses, and things that cause vomiting.

Ed:  Do you worry about violence?

A,B,C and D.  YES!

C.      Especially in the parking lot after a shift!  When you tell someone they can’t have drugs, they can get very angry!

Ed:  What issues are unique to the specialty…for wives, I mean?

B.  Scheduling is difficult and frustrating.

C.  Which holidays do you have off, and which birthdays do you have to miss?  But, the flexibility of daytime, of the middle of the week days off, that’s great.  On the other hand, you really can’t have ‘group functions,’ since someone always has to be there.

B.  And when your husband is sleeping, you can’t have company!

D.  We never mastered the sleep room, even after five different houses.

B.  It needs to be a room in a long tunnel!

A.  But for every drawback, there’s a positive.  It’s a ‘love-hate’ relationship with a career.  You know?  I mean, the daddies can be there at soccer or dance when no other daddies are!

D.  You have to be both parents, like military spouses, but for shorter tours.

A.  And the kids behavior changes when dad’s home!  Dads sometimes disrupt the schedule.

C.  My husband messes up the routine.  Moms are the constant, however.

A.  Right!  Mom has to be a rock!

`           C.  I don’t sleep soundly with my husband’s schedule, especially when he works 5PM to 1AM.  I don’t sleep because I know he’s coming home late.  Then I don’t sleep because I know he wants to talk, or I want to talk, and suddenly it’s 6:30 AM!

A.  What about security at home?

C.  I feel vulnerable when he’s away; especially at night!  If I fell down or got ill, how would I manage?  What would I do with the children?

B.  It seems like, as the wife of an emergency physician, you’re a single mom with a great income!

C.  Furthermore, my husband can’t take a sick-day!

B/D.  And in your town, you’re almost always a transplant without extended family.

B/C.  Not only that, when you do need your husband, you can’t even talk to him at work!  I had to talk to the PA when my son broke his nose, because my husband was too busy!

D.  We’re spoiled a little, because as an ER family, we expect ‘immediate’ attention.

Ed:  you have a strong sense of solitude, don’t you think?

C.  We and our spouses are different from other docs and their families.  It feels like we’re sometimes more well-rounded, with other, unique interests.

A.   You have to be strong and self-sufficient.  You can’t be needy.

B.    You have to own power tools!

D.  I felt part of the medical community, but different.  We didn’t bond with other specialties.  Are we separate from others?  I don’t feel the respect of other specialties.

B.  Our husbands are ‘triage docs.’

C.  It makes you  mad to know how often some other doc talks down to your husband.  I know that lots of times, my husband is trying to do his job and someone else is shirking their work!

A.  Financially, our husband’s incomes meet our needs, but don’t give enough for them to pursue other interests.

How do you feel about the general practice climate your husbands work in?

C.  It’s frustrating that they’re treating people sometimes at a loss.

A.  And malpractice is so bad!  Docs leaving places like Florida in droves, 3 strikes and you’re out!  Who will take care of us?  This is the last generation of docs willing to ‘take care of everyone!’

D.  The young docs are looking at retirement by age 50.

Ed:  How do you feel about the intimate work environment that the specialty creates, especially with regards to the opposite sex?  Medical marriages are often in trouble, so what do you think?

A.  Nurses, please stay away from the doctor’s room!

B.  Sharing trauma, traumatic situations, makes docs and nurses close.

A.  Let’s face it.  He’s a 42 y/o physician, with a spouse for lots of years.  He goes to work and is the guy in charge.  He has a bevy of new recruits, 20-something, he knows everything, he’s in pretty good shape, and he looks so smart.  So he has these young, adoring fans that constantly change.  Let’s be honest, nurses are looking!  What about the wife?  I have few new encounters each day, mostly with children, and a small social pool.  I’m not likely to be tempted.

B.  Docs, look out!  You’re like ‘stability with gray on top!’

A.  And look at the pool of young men the nurses have to work with!  Of course they look!  Worse, none of the nurses stay.  So new ‘chemistry’ is introduced all the time.  On the other hand, the wife is honest at home.  ‘You’re not that great, mister high-powered, life-saving doctor, now take the trash out!’

C.  We look rough at the end of the day!  We don’t have much time to ‘stroke our husbands’ egos.’  So our  job is tougher, competing against young, pretty women who talk so sweetly to our spouses all day while we slug it out at home.

A/C.  We get the sense that the nurses don’t want us there visiting.  And yet, we know they have ‘pet names,’ for the doctors.  It’s their own world, where we aren’t welcome.

A.  Also, the docs sometimes have college student ‘shadowers’ and PA students in addition to nurses.  What if wives had ‘underlings’ all day!  Doctors’ wives have no control over lots of things in husband’s worlds.

C.  As time goes on, I know fewer and fewer nurses, and feel more separated from the place my husband works.

D.  It’s why a group should build family connections!

C.  My sense is that they get a lot of women who are fishing.  Wedding rings these days are seen as decorations, not commitments.

D.  You and your spouse need to talk!

A.  Is infidelity greater now?  Is it that lots of rapid, intense emotions lead to it?

B.  You feel replaceable, as a doctor’s wife.

C/D.  But it still comes down to personal decisions and commitment, on both parts.  Even wives can find someone else if they look.  It’s all a thing you have to work out; both husband and wife.

Ed:  The good things about the specialty?

D.   I wouldn’t have had him do anything else.  His time was our time.

B.   It’s a good job for a recluse.

A.  When you have time off it’s wonderful.

C.  Sometimes it’s best NOT to do things on a holiday!

A.  I have fond memories of medical school and residency; of having lunches and sharing dreams together.

The food was eaten, the children were restless and the restaurant was vacuuming;   all signs that the interview was coming to a close.  There was more that I missed because I couldn’t write quickly enough, and plenty that my tape-recorder didn’t pick up.  Looking back, I suspect that an entire conference could be devoted to doctors’ wives (and husbands).

However, the point remains that our spouses have jobs as hard as ours, and need our constant devotion, reassurance and attention.  And they have some pretty telling insights into our lives, which bear our consideration.  Let’s try not to take them for granted, shall we?

There was one final question.  It was for my wife only:  ‘Dear, lots of women say they’d like to marry doctors.  Would you recommend it?’

She smiled the way she did when I first met her. Then she laughed out loud, kissed me and asked ‘you know I love you, right?’  Does that mean she answered the question or not?